Homecoming
by Bioboy
Summary: The events after the season 7 finale
1. Harm's POV

Author's note: I wrote this during the summer after the season 7 finale. I've just decided to post it to this archive as well to see what kind of response I'd get. This follows Harm's train of thought immediately after he finishes Bud's tour on the Sea Hawk and returns to JAG. Once again, I'll accept any, and all feedback so lay it on me.  
  
1815 ZULU  
U.S.S. SEA HAWK  
  
ONE MILE EAST OF NORFOLK, VIRGINIA  
  
This is what I sometimes miss about sea duty, the welcome you get when you come back home. A carrier homecoming is indescribable. There's so many families waiting for their loved ones on board and during a time of war are more eager than ever to hold them in their arms. I can see the mob of people waiting for us and we're still about a mile out yet. Its slow going with the gentle maneuvering required to get this big ass boat there without slamming her into the pier. The ship's been a buzz of excitement all week since we left the Med and steamed across the Atlantic. Everyone's all too pleased to get home after what happened a few months ago. I wish Bud could've experienced this, he deserved to. As much as I'm glad to be back home I'd be the first in line to go if the Captain for shits and giggles decided to turn the carrier around and add two or three more months to the tour. Serving on a carrier in a time of war in any capacity is enough for me. Apparently, when you save a battle group from annihilation to you tend to get in the Admiralty's good graces because Chegwidden allowed me take over for Bud as soon as I called him from Naples while we were watching over Bud. Glad I beat Singer to the punch, bet she thought this would be her big break. Carrier Captains tend to be grateful as well, because I was given about three times as much flight time as I really could have expected to get.  
  
"Commander." I look over and see Lt. Commander Chaidez sliding up next to me on Vulture's Row.  
  
"Commander", I reply nodding to him. He and I have been getting to know each other pretty well. He's a damn good stick too.  
  
"You loved it, didn't you?" He smirks at me.  
  
"Which part of it?" I'm toying with him and he knows it.  
  
"All of it. You loved every second of it out here and your going to start missing it the second you step off the carrier."  
  
I just smile at first. Its amazing how fast pilots can bond and begin to know what the other's thinking. "Yeah I'll miss it. Hell I'm still holding out hope that the skipper'll turn us around and head right back to where the action is." It's the answer I know he wants to hear, and I mean most of it. Funny being split like this; half wanting to go back, the rest anticipating rejoining my regular life, much that it is. The lack of action certainly hasn't been the issue. I mean how much more can a man realistically ask for? I nearly ended up like Bud or worse with that land mine if it weren't for Mac. We were nearly bombed by a Hornet strike, chased after a radioactive truck between two rival tribes shooting the place up, I've flown something like twenty sorties so I'll get another campaign medal for all this and to top it all off I nearly took a nuclear cruise missile up the ass.  
  
"I hope not. I mean I love flying with you Hammer, but I got a girl I wanna get home to."  
  
We both glance over at the crowds, "She there waiting for you on shore?"  
  
Chaidez nods, "You got anyone?" Anyone? I think Sturgis is there, waiting to pick me up and take me back to my place. I doubt anyone else is there.  
  
"Nope, my folks live in California and I'm not seeing anyone. I think a friend might be out there for me in that mass of humanity."  
  
"Damn, save the ship and everyone on it and there's no one but a lonely friend to welcome you back." I don't even look at him, I just shake my head and think about that. I did save the ship, but no one else is here for me, at least that I know of. I can't expect Harriet and Bud to be here. It's unlikely that the Admiral would drive all the way down here. Mac, well I'm sure she thinks I was running away when I told her I was returning to the Seahawk. Oh lets be honest, she was pissed about it. To her credit though, she did respond to one of my e-mails, which is a huge improvement over the big, fat goose egg I got last time aboard the Henry. I got a letter from mom and Frank. I knew what it said before I read it. 'Be careful, we're so proud of you, we love you.' Well it's good to know somebody still does.  
  
"He's not lonely, he's got a girl." At least I think he has Bobbi, I don't really know what's happening on that front. "Besides, I don't think too many people really know what happened out there."  
  
"Hey, I know, this ship knows and the Navy knows. You were damn good up there. Look, I gotta go, but stop by the ready room and say goodbye to the squadron before you leave alright?" I nod accepting his praise and the invitation. The whole tour was like this. I was getting thanked by everyone and their mother for it. Chaidez looks around and then ducks through the hatch. There's also a couple rumors floating around that I'm up for a decoration of some kind. I'd heard similar rumors about Sturgis too. I'm not sure what to believe anymore, especially when I've heard things like the Navy Cross and me being mentioned in the same breath. Jesus, the Navy Cross, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it. I just don't want to get my hopes up, but who knows? The skipper would, but I'm sure as hell not going to press him about it.  
  
Well I'll admit that was a much better send off than the last time I did a tour on the Sea Hawk. Hell, anything's better than last time. Chaidez and the guys gave me a farewell toast and we all did a shot. Plus I've got a bunch of new Sea Hawk shirts and hats from the commissary. My old Sea Hawk gear is old and getting kinda torn up and nasty. I still have to clear out the few personal effects I have in the JAG office here. "Oh of course it would roll all the way back into the corner", I mutter. Sturgis sent me one of those tension stress balls as a joke when I told him about my computer that was programmed to hate me and an al-Qaeda member I wished I could've pummeled when he spit on me.  
  
"I got it sir." It's Petty Officer Coates and my head snaps up at the sound of her voice straining several muscles in the process. I didn't hear her come in. She bends over and retrieves the ball from underneath the desk. I can't resist peeking, a little bit anyway. Hey, I'm not made of stone and her six is the kind that demands attention. I can just see Bud not looking at her at all the whole time he was here or maybe he looked all the time. I don't know how much leeway marriage or Harriet allows in the 'Look, but don't touch' department. "Here you are sir." She's looking at you now, snap to sailor and get your head in the game!  
  
"Thanks Jen." I can't help it. I know I gave Mac a weird look when I heard Bud call her that but it took less than a week for me to do the same.  
  
"No problem sir."  
  
I take the chair at my desk. I wonder who might be sitting in here next, maybe Singer, most likely someone I don't know. Well, all good things must come to an end sometime. "So any idea as to what you'll be doing in between tours?" Jen takes the other chair and smiles. We really haven't sat down and talked a whole lot since Bud's accident. Maybe she's afraid to get too close to me, from what she's told me and the mishap board she turned around just in time to see the explosion. It had to be hard on her. It's still a taboo subject on the carrier. Odd really, of all the people aboard ship it's the JAG officer who's injured.  
  
"I'm not sure sir. I think the JAG office at Norfolk is where I'll end up for the time being."  
  
"I could always ask around JAG headquarters if you want..."  
  
"Thanks, but no thanks sir, I don't want to dump my every nickel I'd earn just paying the rent there." I laugh at that. I suppose it would be hard on her salary. I can't even begin to imagine how much money I saved by fixing my place up. I don't know how Mac manages especially with her near wedding and the financial crimp that must have put on her. Of course, she doesn't have a pile of expensive toys like I do. That car cost me more than I care to admit and Sarah's no lightweight in that department either. Mom'd freak if she knew what I spend on both of them. I mean I like to spoil my babies rotten. "Sir how is Lieutenant Roberts?" Oh here we go. I figured eventually she'd ask. She knows I've stayed in touch with Sturgis the whole time. God my heart broke for Harriet when it happened, A.J too, but at least he's not dead. I could have lived with dad missing a leg all too easily.  
  
"I don't really know. I mean I'm sure physically he's healing as well as can be expected, but I have no idea about the rest of him." Jen nods accepting this news. From what little I hear Bud's closing himself off. Not that I blame him, I did the same thing when I left this carrier unconscious. We're just doing it for different reasons. I'm going to have to talk to him, though I'm not sure what I'll say when I do.  
  
"I was thinking about maybe visiting him." That surprises me and more than I thought it should too.  
  
"That'd be nice of you." I'm not sure exactly what to say here. Maybe it'll help him; then again, maybe it'll just bring it all back to him and cause him greater pain. Still I can't find it in me to object to this. Jen looks at her watch and stands up. She's got this mischievous look in her eyes. "Where are you going?" I say smiling.  
  
"Mess hall, that's where the bets for the anchor pool are being taken. The old habits are dying hard sir." I laugh and she soon joins me. I get up as well and pull a dollar out of my wallet.  
  
"Put me down for 1418 or as close as you can get to that time and try to refrain from yelling 'man over board.'" Jen laughs and takes the dollar.  
  
"I'm glad I got to work with you sir for the rest of the cruise and thanks for... well, everything."  
  
I smile back at her, "Me too Jen and your welcome, now hurry before the best time slots are all taken." She smiles in return and leaves me to collecting my things once again.  
  
I watch as my roommate ducks out of the hatch of our quarters. Nice guy, a Lieutenant who's the Cryptologist aboard ship. I'm the JAG here not another full time pilot so I get stuck with who I get stuck with. He's always the first one off the ship. We got a few days of liberty in Italy two weeks ago and it was the same case. That gets me thinking about Diane. Not that I do that a lot, but here on this ship its hard not to. I wonder if Holbarth would have been in command of his own boat if he hadn't died. I shake my head, no, that's enough of death for one day. I still have to pack my sea bag. I turned in my weapon to the Master at Arms, checked in all my flight gear and a million other mundane details I had to do before leaving. Someone in the hallway announced that the anchor dropped at 1401. Well what did I expect? I haven't won one yet, though this was one of the better guesses I've made. I figure I've got a good hour before the crowds start breaking up on shore. I spy several folders in my room that need to be wrapped up and filed away in the JAG office here yet. It'll be good to have my old office back. I waited an hour and half before I actually went topside and began walking down the gangway. At least the new JAG will have a clean, organized office waiting for them. As my foot hits solid ground I do miss it, but I keep walking. Sturgis is there waiting for me. I'm about twenty feet away when I call out to him. "Hey Alec Baldwin, over here." His frown is worth it. I laughed so hard when the Admiral told me about it two months ago. I've waited until now to call him that.  
  
"I'm not going to live that one down am I?"  
  
"Probably not." I'm really going to make the most out of this too. It's such a cheesy line to just throw out there, 'I'm Alec Baldwin.' And to say it in the Pentagon War room to a couple of Admirals no less.  
  
"Did you have to say goodbye to everyone on the ship first? He asks before we shake hands.  
  
"Not quite, but I could go back and make sure I get everyone if that'd make you feel better."  
  
"Try it and you'll be walking home." We both laugh as we make our way through the remaining crowd to the car. "Hey what do you say we get lunch and a beer? Pick up where we left off in Italy."  
  
"Sounds Great." We hop in the car and drive off. Sturgis and I were drinking and having a wild time in Italy. And why not, he played the biggest role in sinking the Najvayi and I lead the cruise missile away from the carrier. It turned into a macho man pep rally pretty quickly too; me, Sturgis, and everyone else at the bar were having a great time. Mac wasn't there, her morbid death talks were really too much to handle. I thought explaining the cremation process would have gotten her to stop, but practically the second I climbed out my Tomcat she was there telling me that she never thought about being chased by a nuclear missile and how that would have been a great way to go out. I figured something was wrong when Mac showed up at the bar to tell us about Bud. I mean we didn't exactly invite her along.  
  
"You got a what?!" Sturgis and I are in a local bar with a couple of beers in our hands and he's telling me about his new car.  
  
"A 1969 Porsche 911 Speedster. Guard red too." Somehow I can't picture Sturgis with a Porsche, I mean he had that antique beast of car of his for... well it's seems like forever. I thought he mentioned something about getting a Buick.  
  
"What happened to the Buick?"  
  
"I remembered how much you love your Corvette so I decided to go with a classic car too. Why should you and Mac have all the fun?"  
  
"How many miles?"  
  
"A little over 12,000."  
  
"How in the hell did you find one with that kind of miles on it?"  
  
"I didn't find it, I built it. The engine has 12,000 miles on it." Why am I not surprised?  
  
"And you couldn't wait for me to get home so I could help." I give him my best scowl that comes out as more of a smile than anything else.  
  
"Well I do need a top." Sturgis says with a sly grin.  
  
"Done, call it a belated birthday gift old man." I slap him on the back.  
  
"Hey I'm only three months older than you." The bartender sets down Sturgis' burger and my shrimp basket. There's a massive plate of fries and onion rings for us to share. Hey, I just spent three months at sea eating whatever the officer's mess considers to be food, I need a break. Besides, I'm not always the health food freak Mac thinks I am. Sturgis knows me better than that.  
  
"How's Bud doing?" I ask dipping one of the deep fried shrimp through the ketchup and popping it in my mouth. I hate shrimp sauce. Sturgis looks at me and from his expression, I'm not sure I should have asked.  
  
"Okay I guess. They kept him at Bethesda for about a month." I knew that, but I want him to continue uninterrupted. "He came home and began his rehab. Everything healed up nicely." This isn't the answer I was looking for.  
  
"No I mean how's Bud doing?" I'm hoping the look in my eyes will tell him to give it to me straight.  
  
"He's getting worse Harm. Everyone's tried pulling him out of this, but he won't budge. I think Harriet's really looking forward to seeing you again. I think you're her last hope of ever getting him back. He won't go and see a professional." This is what I was afraid might happen and I don't know how I feel about being anyone's last hope. It's also times like this that I wish I was still with Jordan or that she was even alive for that matter. She would've been able to help me out of this.  
  
"Is he getting out of the Navy?"  
  
"Well technically he's still on sick leave. Then he's got his accumulated leave coming, then there's always terminal... no, I don't think he's going to stay."  
  
"Did your dad try talking to him?  
  
"Yeah, so did I. Mac and the Admiral tried too of course, but both of them came off sounding more like pissed off drill instructors than caring friends when he didn't respond the way they wanted him to. Bud just 'Yes sir', 'No sir', 'Yes ma'am', No ma'amed' his way through both of them."  
  
I'm not sure what to make of all that. I suppose a Marine and a SEAL can and would be overbearing. "What about Mikey and Bud's dad?"  
  
"Hard to say. Mikey doesn't seem to know how to deal with this and their dad is glorifying the wound like its some kind of badge of honor."  
  
That doesn't surprise me in the least. "He would do something that stupid. He's never seen combat so what the hell would he know about it?" Sturgis only nods his head as he takes another bite out of his burger. "What about Harriet?"  
  
"She doesn't talk about it at work, when she's been at work anyway and none of us know exactly how to approach her about it either. I mean what are you supposed to say that's going to make it all right? For some reason I think she needs you as much as Bud does." I'm not sure how Sturgis, Mac, or even the Admiral all feel about that. Harriet wanting me I mean. We've developed an interesting relationship over the past few years. Sometimes I feel closer to her than I do Bud. We talk to each other when we can't talk to anyone else; we're there for each other. Most recently, it's been Jordan's death and her new house. I lied when I told Mac I talked about Jordan with Renee. It was Harriet, not Renee I was talking to. Honestly, how do you talk about your dead ex girlfriend with your current one? Sometimes when I look back, I think I told Mac that I talked about it with Renee to make her jealous. Maybe then she'd feel a little bit of what I felt about her and Brumby. God that's sad. Harriet was a big help though, she always is. The house was nothing despite her holding out on Bud like she did. I can only hope I can help her through this. Unfortunately, we like to do this sort of thing face to face. We like to have someone to hold on to. I couldn't just phone it in from the Sea Hawk.  
  
"Sounds like there's a lot of pressure on me already to make this work out."  
  
"Yeah there is." I let out a small sigh that I hope Sturgis didn't catch since he's currently draining his beer and ordering another. I wish he'd just lied to me, telling me to do my best with the situation. My homecoming at JAG should be interesting. I was expecting everyone to be proud of what I'd just come back from. Now it sound's like they're waiting for me to come home just so they can shove me out the door again and hope I can come up with a battle plan to help save Bud and Harriet.  
  
0134 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
  
As soon as I shut my door, I toss my sea bag to the floor and sink into my couch. What a day. Looking over my apartment I can see the mountain of mail that's accumulated on my kitchen countertop courtesy of Sturgis. A glance at my answering machine reveals a number that had better be the combined weight of the mail build up. The Admiral's given me the next two days off so I don't have to report into JAG until Friday. Knowing that I'm probably not going to even touch the mail until morning. The messages are going to have to wait too. Right now, there's only one woman's voice I want to hear. "Grandma! It's Harm."  
  
"Harmon Rabb Jr. Do you realize how long it's been since you called or visited me for that matter?" Her scolding tone is like that of any mother.  
  
"Well we'll have to remedy that won't we? I've got the next two days off, think you can find a place in your house and barn for your favorite grandson and his plane?" Grandma laughs at that, I love her laugh. It sounds kinda like a dancing brook. Dancing brook? Where do I come up with words like that?  
  
"Of course dear. When will you be coming up?"  
  
"Well I have a few things to take care of here first, but its nothing important. I should be there by 1300 uh, I mean..."  
  
"I know what 1300 means Harmon, I am a military wife, mother and grandmother you know." I know that, God do I ever know that. "We'll have a late lunch when you get here."  
  
"That sounds great."  
  
"Are you bringing anyone up with you?"  
  
"Grandma!"  
  
"Oh come on. What about that nice Marine Colonel I keep hearing about."  
  
"We're just friends Grandma."  
  
"Suit yourself dear, but I want to meet her someday."  
  
"We'll see. I'll see you tomorrow Grandma. I love you."  
  
"I love you too. Bye."  
  
"Bye." I haven't brought anyone up to meet Grandma since Diane. She just showed up with Keeter and Luke Pendry after my crash. Afterwards when we starting dating I brought her up there three more times. Grandma probably assumes that she was my last serious relationship. I guess in a way she's right. Diane's the only one I ever saw myself marrying. Jordan maybe, but certainly not Anne or Renee which in hindsight sounds like a terrible thing to do to someone. I'm hungry, it hasn't been that long since I had lunch with Sturgis, but it's been long enough. "Whoa!" It smells like something died in the frig. Of course, I thought I was going to be gone for maybe a week not more than three months. I'm going to have to go shopping, but not tonight. Tonight I'm just going to order a pizza. Sitting down I dial and order the pizza before flipping through my mail. Nearly half of all this is junk mail so that makes it easier to sort. Bills, bills, bills... INS? Sergei, I totally forgot all about him. After I told him mom was having a hard time letting go of dad's letters we haven't been speaking. And with me being half way around the world, Sergei got pushed to the far back burner and eventually off the stove entirely. I scan the letter and it's not good. It's a verification form that he's been deported out of the country and sent back to Russia. I sigh again; sea duty may be great for the career, but its hell on the personal life back home. Maybe I can call if the INS knows where he is or if he's left a message. What disappoints me most is that I didn't get to at least say goodbye. Regardless, I'm still not going to listen to any of the messages. Before I finish my pizza I've got all the bills paid for and the paychecks ready to go to the bank in the morning. I should really consider that direct deposit. It's 2100 and I'm beat. I'll pack my bag tomorrow, right now I just want to grab a shower and fall asleep.  
  
1345 ZULU  
LEESBERG AIRFIELD  
LEESBERG, VIRGINIA  
  
I can see an old F4F Wildcat rolling out of the hanger as I pull up in my vette. I know the guy who owns it. His plane's parked right next to mine in the hanger. He took me up once, gave me a real feel for how Grandpa must have felt flying off the Hornet. As little as I remember about Vietnam, I can't fathom what it must have been like for Grandpa, flying a fighter when the whole world was at war. Parking the car, I wave to him as he taxis out onto the runway and I watch until he's barreling down the runway and climbing into the sky. Smiling I grab my bag and head into the hanger. Pops is there and after some brief pleasantries, I file my flight path with him and sign out my plane.  
  
"Hi, you've reached Commander Sturgis Turner. I'm not at home right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you." The preflight check was a breeze and I'm sitting in the cockpit listening to this.  
  
"Sturgis, its Harm. Look, I'm heading out to my Grandmother's for a while. I should be back around 1900 tomorrow. Anyway, just so you know all right? See ya later buddy." I stuff the phone in my jacket and pull on my hat and glasses. He should be driving to JAG right about now. I could've called him earlier, but I don't want to even chance getting stuck here. Hearing the throaty growl of Sarah's engine always gives me goose bumps and this is no exception. Even better is racing down the runway before pulling hard on the stick. Performing a few barrel rolls for the fun of it, I settle in on a course to Bellsville.  
  
1950 ZULU, THE NEXT DAY  
SARAH RABB RESIDENCE  
BELLSVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA  
  
Shutting the front door with my bags in hand, I walk out onto the porch. Grandma's out there waiting for me. I shift both bags in my left hand so I can hold hers on the way to the plane. Its not that I'm afraid she'll fall or anything. I just need to hang on to her; I think we both need it. I love it here, pity I don't get up here nearly as often as I'd like. Did a little fishing in the stream that cuts through our land, made some small repairs on the house so she won't have to call someone else in to do it for her. Of course, she stuffed me silly and I certainly don't mind that at all. One of the two bags I'm carrying is loaded with her brownies, fudge, and cookies. Mac'd love it here with a constant supply of junk food at her disposal. We drag out this walk as long as we can. I told her all about what happened over there. About Mac, that mine, and me. About the missile and especially about Bud. I suppose its one of the reasons I came up here. Grandma's usually a good source of knowledgeable advice, but not this time. She couldn't tell me anything I didn't know already. Doesn't matter, love of my family brought me up here not some desperate search for answers before I have to face Bud and Harriet. "Harmon?"  
  
"Yes Grandma?"  
  
"What's wrong?" I've just realized I walked all the way to the plane with my head down and shoulder slumped. Trust in her to ask about it.  
  
"I don't know Grandma. I guess it's about Bud and how everyone's hoping, I can help him overcome this. That and the fact that it could have been me missing a leg or much worse."  
  
"Hey, you can only help them so much. The real work has to be done by Bud. He has to want to overcome this. No one can force him to. And I know you won't fault me when I say I'm glad it wasn't you. I'm so proud of you Harmon. Just like your daddy."  
  
So much for the lack of good advise. This is why I love coming up here, the love she offers, and the pride she takes in me. "Thank you Grandma". I drop the bags to sweep her up in a big hug and a kiss on her cheek. "I'm not even off the ground yet and I miss you already."  
  
Grandma smiles at that, "Well you know your way back, what's stopping you?" She's right. I probably have more days of leave coming than I can possibly imagine. That's why I left immediately. The Admiral gave me these two days off; they didn't come out of my leave time so I wanted to get out of town as fast as possible before he could change his mind.  
  
"I'll try to visit more often Grandma." I really have to. I mean, as much as I don't want to admit it, Grandma is getting old. I should be taking advantage of the time we have left together. Of course, at the rate I'm going, she'll out live me too.  
  
"See that you do. You've got everything right?"  
  
"Yes ma'am, enough chocolate and sugar to kill a team of horses." I tease, smiling at her. I wouldn't dare call it junk food to her face. Grandma doesn't make junk food, just good food that's bad for you.  
  
"You make sure you share with all the nice little children you play with." Grandma always could dish it out as well as anyone I know.  
  
"I will Grandma." I hop up on the plane and secure both bags in the back seat. Looking down at her I can see the hint of sadness in her face that's always there whenever I leave. I scramble down off the plane and pull her into another big hug. This time it's her breaking the hug.  
  
"Go on, or it'll be late before you ever get back."  
  
I nod and climb in the front seat. "I love you Grandma."  
  
"I love you too." Smiling I give her a 'thumbs up' and wait until she's a safe distance away before I even start the engine. As I throttle up, I can see Grandma waving to me from the corner of my eye. As soon as I'm airborne, I do a pass around the farm and tip my wings to her, waving back before I climb for the clouds.  
  
2305 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
  
Finally, these grocery bags can get heavy. Especially when you can't take the elevator because it's busted. I didn't use it when I came home last time so I have no idea how long it's been out. I threw out everything in the frig before I left, but I still need to scrub it out. I can see the number of messages has increased so I'm listening to them as I clean the refrigerator and restock it. There are some from Mom and Frank, Grandma telling me to call her as soon as I get home and even one from Caroline, Bobbi's friend. I have no idea how the hell she got my number, I didn't give it to her, besides it's been four months and I still haven't called her. You'd think she'd take a hint. When the Admiral's voice comes over the speaker, I take note. Something about him wanting me at work today instead of tomorrow. Oops, now I know why I left my cell phone in the plane while I was up there, besides Grandma hates them. Sergei left a message too. He wasn't too happy about going back to Russia. I don't think he blames me, much. But, he's considering reenlisting in the Russian Army. Webb's going to be pissed if he becomes a POW again. Until then he's staying at his mother's farm which I know doesn't have a phone so he'll have to call me back. The surprise call came from Skates on the Henry congratulating me on a job well done. I only wish I could have been flying with her again on the Sea Hawk. Jorgenson's good, but she doesn't hold a candle to Skates. By the time I hear Mac and Sturgis's messages I'm making pasta primavera for dinner. Nothing of any real concern except for their appraisals of Bud's situation. It's funny how they differ in opinion. Both agree that he needs to begin moving on, but Sturgis would like to take the laid back approach while Mac wants to light a fire under his ass. I guess that's the difference between Sailors and Jarheads. As expected the largest volume of calls were made by Harriet. Now I feel like a heel, running off as soon as I got home. She'd slid a note under my door too, which tells me she came over here in person to talk and I wasn't there for her. I'm really going to have to make it up to her now. We never keep the other waiting when we need to talk. Setting my plate on the table, I grab a glass of water and the phone on the second trip. Half way through the meal, I manage to get as far as six digits of her phone number before I chicken out and set the phone back down. It's late, I'm sure they're both in bed or something. That excuse even sounds weak to me, but I stick with it. Some of my own excuses have become bitter pills to swallow lately. Its made my dinner the same and I can't even finish the other half of it before I discard it and go to bed for the rest I'm sure I won't get.  
  
Unlocking the door and stepping through I peel off my tank top and shorts to climb in the shower. I'm tired of being right all the time. Last night was without a doubt, the worst night of sleep I've gotten this year, which is saying something considering what's happened. The run did help some though, I figure the best way to help Bud would be to mesh Mac and Sturgis' approaches and hit Bud repeatedly with it ad nausea for as long as it takes. I hope I'll sound more confident than I feel about it. Getting out of the shower, I notice that I've got less than half an hour to get my six out the door. Getting dressed I realize how glad I am summer whites are still in season. Wearing the jacket and tie would be too constricting after three months of BDU's, khakis, and flight gear. Grabbing my stuff I make a quick stop at the frig to grab an untoasted, blueberry bagel before rushing out the door. I'd normally pack myself a lunch, but I figure this way I'll have an excuse to ask Harriet out to eat instead.  
  
Pulling up into the JAG parking lot, I can see Sturgis' Porsche. I pull up along side it and shut off the engine. Hopping out I lean over and run my hand over her hood. I like getting a feel for a car's lines and she's a cherry. After a few more stolen glances, I grab my briefcase and head inside. Reaching the bullpen I see Singer handing Tiner a bunch of files in a corner, Sturgis is in his office and Mac's no where to be seen. Shrugging I open my office to see another large pile of mail that's been heaped on my desk and a stack of files in my 'IN' box that'd better be some kind of joke.  
  
"Welcome back sir." Turning around I find Tiner in my doorway with a smile on his face and files in his hands.  
  
"Some welcome", I gesture at the huge pile of mail and files. "Makes me wish I had the paper shredder right here next to my desk."  
  
Tiner laughs at that. "The Admiral'd like to see you sir."  
  
"Thank you Tiner I'll be right there." Tiner doesn't leave, instead he holds out the files in his hand. "Oh you've got to be kidding me?" Tiner just shakes his head and deposits them in my hands before he disappears through the door. Adding those to the already large pile, I scan my office. Everything seems to be in order and before leaving I hesitate for a moment pondering what I'm going to tell the Admiral about not being present yesterday.  
  
"Commander Rabb reporting in as ordered sir." This is a little too formal for my taste, but I'm willing to try it if it'll put the Admiral in a better frame of mind.  
  
"At ease. You were ordered to report in yesterday. Can you offer me some explanation as to why you weren't here?" The Admiral's sitting at his desk and he's glaring at me.  
  
"I was up at my Grandmother's place in Bellsville, Pennsylvania sir."  
  
"Yes Commander Turner informed me of that yesterday when you didn't show up." He knew? Then why bother asking, is he wondering if I'll lie right to his face? "Did you not get my message to report in yesterday?"  
  
"I did sir, last night. I left early Wednesday morning."  
  
"I left that message before the Sea Hawk should've even docked on Tuesday." That I didn't know, I didn't bother to check when that message was left.  
  
"I didn't listen to any of the messages until last night." I could offer my excuses as to why, but I doubt he wants to hear them. "I'm sorry about not checking earlier sir, it'll never happen again."  
  
The Admiral gives me another stern look and apparently, he's going let it pass without incident, thank God. "Take a seat."  
  
"Sir about Lieutenant Roberts..."  
  
That's all I get out before he jumps in. "Commander, Lieutenant Roberts is officially none of my concern. Technically, he's still under the command of fifth fleet and Captain Johnson. Lieutenant Roberts will notify Admiral Myers in regards to his career. Discussion about Lieutenant Roberts is to be done only during off hours and preferably not here at JAG. Do I make myself clear?" I understand the Admiral has to maintain an efficient office despite what happened to Bud. I imagine he's had to take a hard line regarding it too.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
Walking out of the Admiral's office I'm not sure I'm glad I wasn't yelled at for not being here yesterday. Usually when he yells it means I'm going somewhere on a case, but not this time. This time I walk out of his office with another thick stack of files to add to my massive collection towering high above my desk. I'm not going anywhere for a very long time. I notice Mac walking in the bullpen just as I'm heading into my office. She gives me a look somewhere between pity and pleasure. She smiles and normally I'd smile back, but before I can I notice that she's also stifling a laugh. Pretending not to care, I square my shoulders and march right into my office. This sucks, homecomings aren't supposed to turn out like this. Four hours into it, my mail has been taken care of and my tower of files has been reduced by a quarter. Five minutes into it, I realized I was better off than I thought I was. The bulk of what I've taken care of so far have been cases I had while on the Sea Hawk. I just need to finalize and sign off on them before they can be archived. Leaning back in my chair I roll my head around trying to work out a few kinks in my neck. Man, I'm hungry, I knew I should've grabbed more than a bagel for breakfast. Reaching down I grab a large tin of Grandma's snacks. Pulling the lid off, I bite down on a cookie. Hearing a knock on my door, I can see Mac on the other side. I motion her in; I guess she figured I was taking a break.  
  
"Is that a cookie?" She asks, her arms crossed in front of her.  
  
"What, this?" I tease, holding up the massive oatmeal raisin cookie in front of her. There are chocolate chip cookies in here too, not to mention several pieces of fudge and a lot of thick, soft brownies. I show her the tin full of goodies while taking another bite. "I believe it is, want one?"  
  
"Thanks." Mac reaches in and takes a big piece of fudge. Biting down she almost oozes into the chair behind her. Grandma's cooking can do that to someone who isn't prepared. There's a reason why she wins blue ribbons in the country fairs up there every year. "Oh wow, these are fantastic. Don't tell me you made these."  
  
I'm sure I could, Grandma showed me how. "No, my Grandma did." Taking another bite, I can see her eyes swimming in a chocolate lover's paradise. I can't refrain from my next jab, "Got Milk". I taunt, holding up my mug, which contains the said milk as opposed to the coffee I normally need. I smile and take a drink before setting it down. Mac just frowns at me until she swipes my mug and drinks the rest of the milk.  
  
"You know I do." Mac smiles again, this time reaching for a brownie. No way, not this time. I hold it just of out reach, toying with her. Mac gives me an exasperated sigh as she gives up and slumps back down in the chair.  
  
"Oh calm down, these are all for you anyway." Mac's eyebrows quirk up at that.  
  
"Really, they're for me?" Reaching down I show her the lid and the message on it. 'To Sarah MacKenzie, I hope you like these. Harmon said you would. Don't let him eat any of them; he has plenty of his own. And make sure he shares his with you too. Sarah Rabb.' "Hey that means your eating 'my' cookie." I only smile as I finish the remainder of 'her' cookie and hand her the tin, which she accepts. "Thanks Harm, you'll tell your Grandma thank you for me won't you?"  
  
Mac sets the tin back on my desk, smiles and pulls out a brownie. God I love that smile, "I will."  
  
"Look before either one of us ruins our appetite I was wondering if you're free for lunch today?"  
  
Looking past her, I can see Harriet looking back at me, pacing about the bullpen. "I'd love to Mac, but I was kinda hoping to have lunch with Harriet. Rain check? Or how about dinner at my place, we can swap stories about our days as JAG's aboard ships." Mac's initial look of what I think is disappointment fades once I mention Harriet and the idea of dinner tonight.  
  
"Sure, what time?" Wow, I didn't expect her to accept. I figured it'd be like last time, everyone keeping their distance from the bad boy who had the audacity to leave JAG for his own reasons. Maybe things are finally going to work out between us this time. They have to. Things can't be like they were before.  
  
"2000 sound okay?"  
  
"Sounds great."  
  
Mac gets up to leave and is almost to the door before I call out to her, "Mac". I'm holding the tin in my hand.  
  
"Right, thanks." Mac grabs the tin and jealously guards it all the way to her office. The way she holds it almost dares someone to even try taking it from her grasp without being killed in the effort to do so.  
  
It only takes Harriet five minutes to walk in my office, lunch in hand. I get up to shut the door behind her and as she sets the lunches down, I pull her into a big hug. I didn't even see her in Naples, I left before she got there and I don't give a damn about protocol right now. She doesn't want to let go, and I maneuver her into one of the chairs and I take the other without breaking contact. I can see that lunch is a pair of salads from a local place nearby. That sweet woman, it pains me to see what she's had to endure in the past two years. I can feel her shaking against me, and her tears falling on my shoulder. She's had too many reasons to cry as of late. As I stroke her back, I think about what Sturgis said. He's right, what the hell am I supposed to say to make this better? Maybe I'm not supposed to say anything because those words don't exist. When Harriet and I talk, we don't talk. As crazy as that sounds when one of us needs help, the other doesn't say anything. Well not much anyway, we're there to listen, to let the other know there's someone they can lean on, someone to hold them. I really envy Bud having someone like Harriet in his life and it's not often I envy him. Sometimes, hell, most of the time I wish I could do this with Mac. The problem is we're both too afraid of appearing weak in front of the other. Especially ever since Renee's father died and Mac showed up at my door at my request. I mean, what the hell was I supposed to do at the time? Ask Renee to go to her father's funeral alone so I could take care of Mac?  
  
Her first words are so faint I'm not even sure she's spoken until she repeats herself. "I'm happy your home Harm." This is one of the best things about our relationship. Rank is left at the door. It took awhile to achieve it, but there's no Commander or Lieutenant and no sirs. Its just Harm and Harriet.  
  
"Harriet, I'm sorry about not coming over as soon as I got home. I... well I don't know what it was, but I needed to get away for awhile."  
  
"It's okay Harm."  
  
"No Harriet its not." I say breaking the hug but grasping her hands in mine. I need to be able to look her in the eyes. "I got your note, you needed to talk, and I wasn't there because I ran off."  
  
"Harm you've just spent three months at sea finishing Bud's tour. You deserved a day off." God how can she say that so calmly? Does she really mean that? If I were in her place, I'd feel a bit abandoned.  
  
"Harriet we've never made the other wait when they needed to talk, I knew you'd need to talk to me and I wasn't there."  
  
"But you're here for me now." She points out. That's not enough, I should've... stop, she's forgiven you Rabb, move on, and help her.  
  
"Yes Harriet, I'm here for you in any capacity you need, for as long as you need me. I promise." That does it, I making her three pans of lasagna so she doesn't have to cook all of those meals. Maybe if she'll let me, I can watch after A.J so she can have a break from him too. Right now, I'd be willing to do anything for her. Neither one of us pays any attention to the salads on my desk as we talk. It's worse than I feared, Bud's shutting himself off from Harriet and A.J. Worse yet he's started drinking, I'll bet it's becoming a problem. I wonder if that's why Mac wants to climb all over his ass so much. Harriet mentions that he doesn't want A.J to see him in his condition and that A.J cries when he can't be near his daddy. Harriet's being neglected as well. Usually we don't get this personal, but Harriet says that they haven't slept together since he came home. And I don't mean just sex, I mean he sleeps in a different bed all together. She's tried enticing him into bed, but he won't do it. When she's crawled into his bed, whenever it is that he wakes up, he leaves and sleeps somewhere else. Harriet's feeling unappreciated, unloved, and abandoned. No wonder everyone else doesn't know how to deal with this. This problem has become a monster and its gotten out of control.  
  
"Harriet, I'm coming over after work. It'll be a little later than usual because I'm trying to get a handle on all this paperwork, but I going to talk with Bud."  
  
"Harm everyone's tried that already. It isn't working, he needs to see a professional."  
  
"Harriet none of them were me. I've been in Bud's place before. Maybe it wasn't the loss of a limb, but it was a broken body and a broken sprit. I killed my friend in that accident and it was the death of my dream of flying. Believe me, I know more about this than anyone can possibly understand. Besides he has to listen to his best man." A small ghost of a smile surfaces on Harriet's face. I'm not sure if she's smiling at my apparent confidence or the memory of much happier times for all of us. Those were great times, how did it all go to hell in a hand basket so quickly?  
  
"I'll set up something for the three of us to nibble on before you get there."  
  
"Harriet I'd rather speak to Bud alone. You don't have to leave the house or anything, but I think it'd be best if we were alone in the room. I don't mean to exclude you, but do you really think he's just going to open up to you all of a sudden?" I can tell she knows I'm right by the defeated look on her face.  
  
"Okay." She says as quietly as she can. She stands up, but before she can even think about leaving, I get up and draw her into another hug.  
  
"It's going to be okay Harriet. I'll be with you every step of the way." Harriet steps out of my arms and caresses my face with one of her hands.  
  
"Your going to make someone a wonderful husband someday." With that, she walks out of my office taking one of the salads with her. Yeah, someday.  
  
Looking over what remains of my tower of files I see that I've only got a third of the stack left to go for Monday. I surprised even myself today. Oh my God, the files at the bottom of the stack date back to before the tribunal. Piling the more recent files on top I walk out of the office. Its 1730, but Singer's still here. Doesn't she have a life outside this building? At least I have an excuse for working late today. I hope she gets that dog; I think she could use it. I saw the mass migration out of here at 1700 sharp, but I hear Harriet left early. Mac found her crying the ladies' room or something so the Admiral gave her the rest of the day off. I wish Harriet had said something to me. Its not like I couldn't have taken a break. Mac's gone too I think, I wish she wouldn't have left already. I could've used her advice about what to do about Bud's drinking.  
  
Locking my office and walking towards the elevator, I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Off our knight rides on his valiant steed to face the fearsome, fire breathing dragon." It's Sturgis; I wonder where he's been hiding himself.  
  
"Where did you come from?"  
  
"Late meeting with a client. Singer can work as late as she wants to. I'm still going to mop up the floor with her on Monday."  
  
"I'm facing a dragon am I?" The elevator doors close before Sturgis responds, I'm sure its to keep an often eves dropping Singer from hearing.  
  
"If you're talking to Bud today you are. A lot's changed buddy."  
  
"Yeah, why the hell didn't you tell me Bud started drinking?"  
  
"Harm that's really hush, hush around here. Only Mac, the Admiral, and I know about it. I figured it was Harriet's place to tell you not me."  
  
"How Mac dealing with his drinking? Is that why she's trying to kick him in the ass."  
  
"I think so. Why that would matter to her is beyond me though. Does she ever drink?" Oh how to answer that. It's not my place to just hand out secrets that Mac felt she could trust me with. Honestly, I'm surprised he doesn't know that she's a recovering alcoholic or whatever the word for it is. Most everyone she works with knows that. The fact that her dad got drunk and beat her and her mother by habit is more closely guarded.  
  
"No she doesn't drink, but she doesn't like it when people use it as a means of escape either." That should be enough for him, but I'd like to change the subject. "So, how are things with you and Bobbi?" I'm trying my best to keep a straight face, but my reflection in the door tells me I'm failing when the corners of my mouth pull up into a smile. As we reach our cars Sturgis, who mercifully let me off the hook recaps his relationship with Bobbi. They're making a few tentative steps towards each other. Personally, I've never known Sturgis to be tentative about anything. At the Academy, he got three dates from three different women at the same party on a dare from Luke. He fought like hell to get into the submarine fleet and that man's left hook is vicious. Tentative isn't a word that aptly describes him which makes me think it's Bobbi who wants to take this slow rather than him. "So any words of encouragement?"  
  
"Yeah, don't expect to change things over night Harm. It's not going to happen that fast." Truer words were never spoken before. I run my hand over the hood of his car again. "Its a nice car Sturgis."  
  
"Thanks, but your stalling."  
  
"What if I can't change any of this? What if that mine ends up destroying three lives?" Normally I'm never this nervous, but right now; it's hard not to be.  
  
"We'll deal with it." Sturgis mentions as he climbs in his car. How can he be so relaxed about all this? Oh that's right, he's not everyone's last hope. "See ya on Monday buddy." He fires up his Porsche and drives off leaving me alone with my thoughts. With my thoughts, it finally occurs to me that Mac's car is still in the parking lot. She wasn't in the office; then again, she's probably meeting with a client too. She's been working on an important case all week with a court date next week from what I hear. I quickly write out a note for her to call me within the next half hour if she gets the message in time and leave it on her windshield. Much as I want to, I can't wait around here for her. I've got to talk to Bud and make dinner in a little more than two hours.  
  
You know its funny how your mind can wander yet your body can get you where you want to go. I'm sitting in my car in front of Bud and Harriet's house and I have no idea how I got here. I remember starting the engine, thinking about what I want to make for dinner with Mac and what I'm going to say to Bud. Bud distracted me all the way here. Shutting off the engine, I reach into the passenger seat and pull out a plastic model F-14 for A.J. I'm not sure why, but the premise of being here to see A.J rather than him should help put Bud at ease. At least I hope it will. Walking up the driveway I notice their minivan and a few of A.J's toys scattered about. Ah youth, I just hope A.J isn't scarred by this like I was when dad went down. As much as I'm worried about Harriet, I know she'll survive. She survived baby Sarah dying, she'll survive this too. I'm more concerned about A.J. I'll do anything to prevent him from having the childhood I had. That's disconcerting. Bud isn't dead, then again he might as well be. Abandonment would be far worse than death to A.J to grow up with.  
  
I have to ring the doorbell three times before Bud answers it. "Sir what are you doing here?" Bud's in a robe and he looks like hell, his beard looks about a week or two old. His hair is long, matted, and unkempt. I can smell the liquor on his breath and it's been at least a day since he took a shower.  
  
"I came to see little A.J, I got him something while I was away." I hold up the plane for Bud's inspection. He seems mad; I hope Harriet didn't tell him I was coming over to talk with him. "Anyway I was hoping to spend a little time with him. Spoil him rotten, you know."  
  
"He's taking a nap." Bud's reply is respectful, but controlled and ridged. I don't know if he's even telling me the truth and he's yet to ask me inside.  
  
"Oh, I was really hoping to see him. It's been so long." I do want to see him, a little bit, so I'm not blatantly lying to him. I still need a way inside the house. "Do you mind if I leave him a note for you and Harriet to read to him when he wakes up?" Bud looks at me for a second before he ushers me in. Bud leads me into the living room, his fake leg thumping heavily against the wooden floor. I'm sure he's doing that on purpose. We sit down on a pair of matching yellow couches facing each other. On the table are several sheets of paper, some are blank others have been colored on by A.J. I don't bother making out what they are as I write out my message under Bud's scrutiny. Also on the table is a bottle of Southern Comfort almost three quarters full and a double shot glass. I noticed the two other bottles under the table too. He's really going all out. I wonder how much he's had today alone. "I don't suppose Harriet's here?" I say leaning back into the couch without asking if I even could. I wonder what he's going to say now? I know she's here. Bud waves his hand to the door on my right. I've been here enough to know its one of the guest bedrooms.  
  
"She's in there sleeping." Now I know he's lying. Harriet may be in there, but she isn't sleeping. If anything, she has a glass up against the door.  
  
"Dang, she left JAG early today. I was hoping to ask her about some case file research for next week."  
  
"Can I take the message for her?" Bud's hands are shaking no matter how badly he's trying to hide it from me.  
  
"Sorry Bud, she's helping me out with the case. You know how it is." Now he's looking long and hard at that bottle. "Well, I guess I can always call her later." With that, I reach over, grab the bottle, and pour him his double. Mac'd kill me if she saw me doing this. Encouraging Bud to drink isn't what I had in mind either. I tilt the bottle and let about a shot's worth of that fiery whiskey slide down my throat. Bud looks at me for a second before downing his too. What I wouldn't give for a Coca-Cola chaser right about now. I'm holding the bottle tight to my chest, Bud isn't getting anymore from me, and I think he knows it too. "So when are the doctors clearing you to come back to JAG?" I'm not sure where to start, but this seems as good of a place as any. Bud swirls the glass around in his hand perhaps envisioning the whiskey that'll occupy it soon if he has anything to say about it.  
  
"I'm not returning to JAG." I figured as much, but I'll act surprised for him anyway.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" Of course it is, but I'll be damned if I'll admit to it.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh come off it Commander you know damn well what I'm talking about!"  
  
Jesus, he is a fire breather isn't he? I've never heard Bud that mad before. I look down at his new leg, what I can see of it anyway, "That's no reason to quit".  
  
"Please, what the hell would you know about something like this?" What would I know? I spent a month in traction recovering from my crash and another month learning how to walk again. "We both know my career's over. So, spare me your song and dance about not giving up. You've never had a hard day in your life! Everything comes so easy for you doesn't it?" What?! What the hell, would he know about my life, what I've been through, what my family's been through? The nerve that little shit! He's about a half a breath away from me jumping over this table and knocking his ass into the wall.  
  
"You don't know the first thing about my life and what I've been through." My own voice lowering to a dangerous tone to match his.  
  
"Sure I do. You get all the glory and none of the hardships in life." Is that what he really thinks? Is that what every one who works at JAG thinks?  
  
"I'm sorry you feel that way. But it isn't true."  
  
"Get out! I don't need your pity..." Bud's yelling now, that's it; he's going get it with both barrels now.  
  
"Shut up Lieutenant! Shut the fuck up! You think you have so bad don't you? Do you really think you're the first Lieutenant to be injured and put his career in jeopardy? Well get in line because I'm way ahead of you! I spent a month in traction and it took me another to learn how to walk again after I crashed on the Sea Hawk. At least when your stupid ass walked out on that mine field you didn't get anyone else killed. My RIO and friend died because of me. Should I keep going? Lets see; Luke died, Jordan died, my dad spent the last 12 to 13 years of his life in hell before he died in Russia, Diane was murdered the night we were going to discuss our future together. I was planning on marrying her Bud! So don't come to me with this pathetic sob story, mine's much better!" He's hearing it as soon as I'm thinking it. Serves him right too. I'm so mad the bottle in my grasp is in danger of being crushed in my bare hands. So...  
  
"Sarah died you son of a bitch!" I really don't have a response for that nor do I intend to. That's his only trumping card and it's better than anything I hold in my hand. I have to acknowledge his loss and move on.  
  
"Yeah she did, but at least you had a wife and son to hold on to. I had nothing. You wanna know the real difference between you and me? It has nothing to do with our abilities as lawyers. Your every bit as good if not better than I was at your age. It's not our past and it's certainly not our ranks. When you open your front door, Harriet and A.J are there waiting for you, loving you. I open my door to a cold and empty apartment."  
  
"Well you can have them for all I care." Holy shit, that's something I thought I'd never hear coming out of his mouth and it stuns me into silence for a second.  
  
"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that or I'd knock you on your ass and then take them. Christ, I'd cut off my own leg to have someone like Harriet and A.J in my life."  
  
"What, so your blaming that on me? It's not my fault you're a coward, or that you're incapable of committing to a woman. However, you can still have all that. I can't get my career back." I'm not sure what I hate more right now; fighting with Bud or the fact that he's right. Deep down I know he's right about me. And more than I'd like to admit too.  
  
"You know for someone who used to annoy the shit out me with that damn 'Men of Honor' movie, one would think you'd have taken a lesson from it. He needed his leg, but made it without it anyway. You're a lawyer Bud; you don't need that leg to survive at JAG or anywhere else for that matter. Yes, it's going to be hard, but nothing worth having is ever easy. After my crash Diane, Keeter and Luke all came up to my grandmother's farm and kicked me in the ass to get me going again. Mac, Sturgis, and I are going to do the same for you. And you're going to stop drinking and get some help or I'm going to hold you down and let Mac beat the hell out of you." Here's where talking to Mac would've helped. Confronting him in this way about his drinking and demanding that he stop probably isn't the best way to achieve either objective, but I've never done this before so it'll have to do.  
  
"That's how it always is isn't it? You and Mac, Batman and Robin, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Flyboy and Ninja Girl." I have no idea how he found out about our nicknames for each other. Ninja Girl? I haven't called her that in years. And why in the hell is he smiling?  
  
"What's so damn funny?"  
  
"You." I'm not sure where this is leading, but I need to keep Bud from shutting down on me.  
  
"How's that?"  
  
"You think I'm pathetic sitting here, wallowing in self pity. Why don't you look in the mirror sometime." I don't think he's pathetic, not yet anyway, but I'm not sure I want to know why he thinks I am.  
  
"Care to explain that?"  
  
"Your the biggest joke anyone's ever seen."  
  
"Is that right?"  
  
"Yeah, your the biggest moron out there. Everyone talks about you behind your back. How damn stupid you are when it comes to Mac. Did you know there was an unofficial office pool as to when the two of you would start dating? It was disbanded after you left to go flying again." I'm not sure what I'd say to that even if I were capable of doing so. I know that he's bringing this up to deflect attention away from his own problems. Part of me is mad that the whole office would go about something so childish, but the bulk of me wonders... well I don't know what exactly. How do you put into words the discovery that everyone you've worked with for the past six years thinks you should've been dating your partner the entire time?  
  
"Oh look, the great Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. is at a loss for words. This is a first." Apparently, more time has passed than I thought. And Harmon Rabb? Only Grandma calls me that. Maybe I couldn't say anything at first, but I can now. I mean I'm not just going to let him keep taking jabs at me all evening.  
  
"You don't know the first thing about us."  
  
"Did you get high off the jet fuel fumes on the Sea Hawk? It's so damn obvious you love her, but your too big of a coward to do anything about it. That's why you were mad at me for suggesting Mac see those prisoners during the tribunal isn't it?" I'm getting real tired of him being right all the time. I just don't want anything to happen to her. I mean she got too close to an unrestrained prisoner and look what almost happened. Yeah I had to get the whole story out of Webb, but I know all about it.  
  
"That had nothing to do with it." The look on Bud's face tells me that he doesn't buy that lie for a second.  
  
"Get out of my house. You can't tell me a damn thing. You're too afraid of the big bad Marine to be of any use to me.  
  
I honestly can't believe I'm going to say this. To Bud of all people and indirectly to Harriet who's been a good sport about not coming in here and interrupting us despite the yelling. I realize now that Bud needs the truth from me. How can I expect him to listen to me when I can't be completely honest with him? "What do you want from me? Huh? That I love her? Of course I do. I love her more than anything in this world, but I've fucked up so many times with her that nothing is ever going to happen between us. I've blown every chance she's given me." Bud's face has this shocked look to it. Didn't he expect me to confirm what supposedly the office always knew to be true? Or maybe he just didn't expect me to admit that he was right. "Yes I love her, I want with Sarah what you have with Harriet." It only briefly registers in my mind that I've called her 'Sarah'. "So maybe I am a coward in that regard, but this coward put himself in danger to save your six and everyone else on the Sea Hawk." Wow, I can't believe I just said all that. I'm going to have to talk to Harriet to keep this from spreading. It's also incredible depressing at the same time, knowing how true those works are. 'Nothing's ever going to happen.' That really sucks.  
  
"Don't think for a second I feel obligated to you. You were doing you job, nothing else. If you hadn't I'd hope the Admiral would court martial your ass." Damn, that's another point for Bud. I'm losing fast here.  
  
"That's right, you don't owe me anything, but you sure as hell owe Harriet and A.J everything. You think I'm a joke? I'm not the one pushing away a wife who wants to be with her husband or a son who just wants to be by his daddy. I wish to God my dad had just lost a leg. I could've lived with that in a heartbeat. Of course, you might as well be dead to A.J because you're hurting my Godson with your neglect and abandonment. Harriet too." That might have been too much because I can see the anger flashing in his eyes again.  
  
"He's my son!"  
  
"Then be his father damn it! Don't become your father because that's exactly what you're heading for. That's what you're becoming." This'll definitely get another reaction out of him. I'm sure referring to his father as some sort of thing will help too. Still, that definitely wasn't a lie.  
  
"I'm not my father!"  
  
"Good, then prove it." Bud's face falls and his shoulders have slumped down. His face looks... it looks defeated, as if he finally might be willing to heed my advice.  
  
"I don't know how anymore." Gently Rabb, gently. We've finally got him where we want him.  
  
"Do it by doing the things that made you the man your family loves in the first place. Tell your wife that you love her and play with your son any chance you get. Don't give up on your family. Accept all the love they give you in return. Their love will help you through this. I know because Grandma, Mom, and eventually Diane's love for me pulled me through when I was at the lowest point in my life. You'll get through this, your too strong not to. And don't worry about JAG or the Navy Bud. Sturgis and I will be right there waiting for you if you decide to come back. We'll help you get through your PFT's if that's what you want."  
  
"I'd like to stay in the Navy, it just seems kinda hopeless right now."  
  
"How do you think I felt when I had to leave flying? Look Bud your career isn't lost by any means. You finished the majority of the tour and you left the carrier due to injury. You were decorated for it too. All these things will look good on your fit reps. There's nothing stopping you from taking a position on a base abroad. That'll advance your career as well, but that's all in due time. We need to focus on today, getting back on track. For now, work on your family Bud, they'll be there for you long after your Naval career is over. They're all that matters."  
  
"Thank you sir." I never thought I'd be so glad to hear him say that again. It's nearly 1900; we've talked for about an hour now. The last 40 minutes have been spent talking about my crash and recovery, his injury and our families. Thankfully, he didn't bring Mac up. I'm not sure how I'd respond to it. I think he's still surprised that I'd even admit to loving her. I know I am.  
  
"For what." I want to know exactly what part made the difference.  
  
"For all this."  
  
"I'm your friend Bud, and what good's a friend if you can't lean on him from time to time?" Bud actually smiles at that and I have to believe it's his first in a very long time. "Look why don't you order a pizza, I'm sure you and Harriet have a lot to discuss and this way there's no cooking involved. I'll just show myself out." As I get up off the couch Bud pulls me in for a brief hug. Well whatever reassurance I can give him is fine with me. Bud's part of way down the hall when he hears me screwing the top of the bottle of Southern Comfort back on.  
  
"Why don't you just pour that down the sink sir." I nod, smiling as he continues down the hall. Best idea he's had yet.  
  
I do a double shot before pouring the rest down the sink. I have no idea where they put their glass bottles. I don't see a recycling bin so I just leave in on the countertop. After everything that's happened, it's all I can do to get out the front door and sit down on the porch steps. I did it; I honestly can't believe I did it. Yeah there's a lot of work to be done yet, but I didn't expect this kind of break through with just one talk. Looking down the street, I can see what a nice neighborhood this is. I guess I was too busy helping Harriet with all the small repairs the house needed to notice before. I helped with all the painting, plumbing, electrical and carpentry additions Harriet wanted. I smile to myself, as I run my hand over the steps of the porch I replaced the first week they moved in, sanded smooth, and painted to perfection. I wonder if I'll ever get to do this for a house that'll be home to my kids. Leaning back on my hands, I'm taking in the beginning of what's probably going to be a beautiful sunset. I don't normally do this, sit and watch the sunset I mean. I guess I'm waiting for Harriet to walk out here. I'm not sure if she'll either chew my ear off or kiss me. Either way I need to swear her to secrecy about Mac. I have to talk to Mac, and soon. I have to make her understand why I did what I did. Well either way, I guess it really doesn't matter if she understands just so long as she knows I love her. If Bud can overcome his problems, surely I can tell her I love her. What really staggers me is how freely I professed my love for her. I like to call her 'Sarah' more often. I love the way that name sounds, especially when it's paired up with 'Rabb'. Hmmm, I haven't indulged in that fantasy in over a year. Amazing what falling out of a chair can do to you. I think I might have gone crazy if those visions had persisted though. I can hear the front door open and I don't hear Bud's leg so that means Harriet's finally found her way out here. Right now, I can't look her in the eyes, not after all the horrible things I said to Bud practically in front of her face. I really hope A.J wasn't in there too. "Harriet I'm sorry about all the yelling and what I said. I didn't intend to do that and I know the end doesn't justify the means. I just... I wanted to help, in anyway that I could."  
  
"I wish you could say some of those things to me." What the fuck?! That's Mac! The speed in which I shot off the steps must have looked humanly impossible. I must look like fish out of water with my mouth gaping open like this too. Come on Hammer say something.  
  
"Mac?" Oh real good, of course its Mac, ass. Say something else. "How?" Well that's little better, but not much.  
  
"I drove Harriet home early in their minivan and we picked up A.J on the way here." Well that explains her car still at JAG. I'm beginning to get the feeling that Bud conned that confession out of me.  
  
"Did Bud know you were here?" I know it's not relevant anymore, but I gotta know.  
  
"No. He was surprised to see me here though." He was surprised? What about me? I'm about ready to have a heart attack here. For a while, we just size each other up, but apparently, too much time has passed.  
  
"So you're not going to say anything? After everything you told Bud you're just going to..." Mac stops at that and storms over to Bud and Harriet's minivan. I don't know if she has the keys or if they're still in there. Come on Rabb, move. If she gets in that minivan your finished, she already knows anyway.  
  
"Mac wait!" She isn't stopping. No way Marine, not this time, not ever again. I grab her arm and spin her around as soon as I catch up to her at the minivan. "Damn it Mac, stop. Stop it right now."  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Because you're running away again."  
  
"I'll thank you not to confuse your method of escape with mine." Yeah I saw that one coming and maybe it was once true, but that was before everything, before my crash.  
  
"The hell it isn't. You did it on the Guadalcanal and your doing it now."  
  
Stumbling back a bit after Mac pushed me I hear her reply, "I did not."  
  
Before she even gets the notion I hold the driver's side door shut with my hand. "Yes you did. You took off before I could even answer your question and then hid behind Gunny when I caught up to you." Accusing Mac of hiding behind anyone is a good way to get my ass kicked, but right now, it has to be all or nothing. "You couldn't even give me 15 seconds of your time. But you made it perfectly clear that we were done talking when we needed it the most."  
  
"Your a real piece of work Commander Rabb. I'm a Marine; I don't need to hide behind anyone. Now move it." I move my arm to let her have access to the door. That's it? That can't be it.  
  
"Boy and I thought we were building something here." I say just loud enough for her to hear it. I'm shaking my head and that gets me a response. I seem to being trying my hardest to pick fights with everyone today. Mac opens the door and looks at me over her shoulder.  
  
"Oh that's funny. I might have said the same thing until you gave me the cold shoulder in Italy to go off and get loaded with Sturgis. Of course when Bud got hurt you ran off to the Sea Hawk to avoid it all." She did the same damn thing. She ran off after Mic left for Australia. How can she blame me for doing something she did too?  
  
"Yeah so what if I did? I needed to get away and clear my head. You of all people should know what that's all about." I'll bet that stung, but even Mac has to see the truth in it.  
  
Now Mac's turned and facing me, taking a few steps towards me I notice her hands balling up into fists. Fists I'd rather not get to know. "Clear your head of what? You came off that ship a hero. What could possibly be weighing on your mind besides the kind of metal they'd be pinning on your chest?"  
  
"You."  
  
Mac's eyes widen and her response is immediate, "Me?" Okay, here we go. Forty years from now I hope I can look back on this as a fond memory of the turning point in our lives rather than as a waking nightmare.  
  
"I came down out of that plane and the first thing out of your mouth was how dying in a nuclear blast would have been a great way to go out. Oh yeah, I would've gone out in a big blaze of glory wouldn't I? I couldn't take it anymore Mac. Sturgis doesn't contemplate the ways in which he'd like to die either. That's why we went out alone. Do you long for death? Because let me tell you something. Death can only take you away from me or me away from you. Do you want that? Cause I sure as hell don't, especially after that mine when it almost happened." Mac looks unsure of herself and what to say next and that's a lot better than the pissed off glare I'd been getting.  
  
"Why didn't you just say so in the first place?" Her voice has softened, but it's still belligerent. What did she think I was talking about the whole time?  
  
"What are you talking about? I told you in Afghanistan I didn't want to. I thought you knew how I felt about you. Hell, I told you some people were in love with you at your engagement party. Who'd you think I was talking about? Bud? The Admiral? And even more recently, before the tribunal when have I ever cooked us dinner before? It's always been take out for our working dinners. And what do you call that night in Afghanistan? Sharing body heat? I cursed everyone of those damn Hornet pilots for ruining one of the best times of my life." Now Mac's face looks like Bud's did, but there can be no stopping this now. "You've asked several different questions at times regarding us and here's your answers. Yes, I'm afraid of losing you. I love you Sarah. So no, we're not going to wait an eternity and yes, I'd have given Renee up for you. I'd give anything up to have you in my life. I've known as much since the day after you've asked me that in Sydney. You see that house, that family", I ask pointing at Bud and Harriet's house. "That's what I want, but none of my dreams of the future mean anything to me if you're not there beside me." There, I've said it all and to her face. Mac took two steps back during my little speech. One of her hands in covering her mouth, hopefully its some sign that she can't believe what I've just said even though she heard me say the same thing in the house less than ten minutes ago. God, Mac say something, the silence is killing me. What I mean is, please God don't let her reject me now. I don't think I could survive it. "Please say something." I hope she noticed my voice cracking a bit. Maybe it'll convince her that I meant every word.  
  
I swear it was only a blink, just one, but Mac managed to traverse the distance in that time frame and now with her body pressed up against mine, our mouths fused in a moment of blinding white light, nothing else matters right now. I couldn't care if the Admiral, SECNAV, and the President all happened by and caught the two of us like this. What's really impressive is the fact that I'm stringing together actual coherent sentences while I'm kissing the woman of my dreams. Well in my mind anyway, I seriously doubt I could spit out a fraction of what I'm thinking right now if I had to. No amount of sex has ever meant as much to me as this kiss does. It feels like I'm coming home, I guess I'm getting my homecoming after all and what sweet welcome home it is. Breaking away Mac leans her head on my shoulder and I can feel her breath tickling my ear.  
  
"Thank you Harm. I love you too." She loves me, thank you God. I never realized how much hearing those words actually means to me. No wonder women like hearing it all the time. I want to say so much, but none of it can possibly describe this sensation. This is the woman I'm going to marry. No doubt about it. Even Diane didn't feel like this. I'm so happy I barely catch her next few words. "I'm so sorry about all that morbid talk. I promise I won't speak of dying ever again." Wow, didn't she once say never be sorry? That it's a sign of weakness?  
  
"Don't make a promise you can't keep." I know she'll get a kick out of that. And she must be, because she's actually giggling. I never thought I'd hear her do that.  
  
"I haven't yet." Perfect, she's absolutely perfect.  
  
"Speaking of promises, I promised you dinner tonight didn't I." Knowing my Marine, yeah she's my Marine now and I intend to keep her forever. Knowing her, she hasn't forgotten. "Think you could come over right away as soon as we pick up your car? I'm kinda on a roll here and I want to keep talking. There are a lot of things we need to figure out yet. The Admiral and stuff."  
  
Mac laughs lightly at that. I suppose that's a bit out of character for me. "Kiss me right now." Hey, I don't need to be told twice. Again there's that light, that feeling of completion. God if her kiss can do this to me, what's the rest going to be like? "I couldn't believe all this was happening right now. I just had to make sure this was real."  
  
"Don't you normally ask someone to pinch you to do that?"  
  
"Which would you rather do?" Mac smiles at me and I find myself lost in those big brown eyes again.  
  
"Ah touché." Pulling back from another kiss I take her hand in my own and lace our fingers together. I kiss her hand as I bring our hands to my mouth. Walking over to my car, I can't help smiling at her. Thankfully, she's smiling back at me. Guiding her to the passenger side and opening the door for her I watch as she takes her seat and puts on her seat belt. Rushing over to my side I jump in and put my seat belt on too. As the vette roars to life, I look over at Sarah. She's smiling at me again, God is she beautiful. "Are you ready?"  
  
"Yes I'm ready." Good, she knows what I'm talking about. I have no idea how you go about dating your best friend, but I can't wait to find out.  
  
The End  
  
Author's Note: Feedback is greatly appreciated whether you liked it or you just want to scream at me. E-mail me and do either one if you want. I've already done this story from Mac's perspective too, but I'll wait and see what the response to this one is like first. If enough people liked it, then I'll post the other one. 


	2. Mac's POV

Author's Note: This follows Mac's train of thought through the week leading up to Harm's return to JAG after he finishes Bud's tour on the Sea Hawk. I wrote this during the first few episodes of season 8. Ladies, if you happen to laugh at my take of Mac's inner thoughts at least let me know how crazy you really think I am.  
  
1054 ZULU  
COLONEL MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN, VIRGINIA  
  
"Ahhh, Jingo go away!" I swat at him as he jumps off my bed. Jingo's just woke me up by sticking his cold, wet nose in the small of my back. It's 0554 as I move to the middle of the bed; I don't want to get up just yet. Last night was cold, too cold for early September if you ask me, but then again I grew up in sunny Arizona. I doubt the situation has improved overnight, if fact I'll bet it worse. I can hear Jingo walking around to the other side of the bed as I attempt to go back to sleep. "Jingo get off the bed." Jingo hops down obediently, but he's made his point; it's time to get up.  
  
"Burr." I was right, it's freezing out here. The eastern horizon is blend of pinks, oranges, and yellows. After stretching for a while I begin our run. Jingo protests briefly, but follows like he should. He wants to go to the bathroom, luckily, I live only a mile and a half from a wooded park, and he knows the drill. He'll get to use the facilities there, so, the faster we get there the faster he can relieve himself. I hate carrying those disgusting doggie bags and avoid it any chance I can get. It'll take us a little over twelve minutes to get there. Looking down at Jingo I can't believe how well he's adapted to living with me after so many years of being a drug dog. When I first got him, I didn't think he'd even be able to keep up with me. I was right as it turned out, a trip to the vet showed that Jingo was in poor physical condition. It took several weeks of diet and exercise to get him into shape. Now he can keep up with me for as long as I want despite his age.  
  
Jingo takes off like a bullet the second I unclip his leash. I can hear him running through the woods, breaking sticks, and running through brush. A closer examination of the woods shows that several trees are showing hints of their true colors. I keep promising myself that I'll go up to New England some fall weekend and stay at a cozy bed and breakfast, but it never happens. That's enough time, "Jingo, come here boy!" Jingo pops out of the woods and runs over to me. He soaking wet from mid way up his sides down to his belly. He's been playing in the stream again; he likes to do that when we run. "Good boy, good boy, such a good boy." Clipping on his leash, we continue the run. It takes 6 laps around this park and the mile and a half back home to reach 15 miles. I slow up a bit when we cross the stream on both sides of the park so that Jingo can get a drink of water twice on every lap.  
  
There, now I feel good. There's nothing like a hot shower after a run. Jingo's eating in his corner as I make my way back into the kitchen. It's scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast today. While I'm eating, Jingo wanders over to the table like he usually does. Hope springs eternal, I guess. "Uh-uh, your food's sitting right over there." Jingo doesn't pay any attention to that and continues to give those big puppy dog eyes. I finish eating and show him my plate. Some people might think that's overly harsh to do to a dog, but I don't. I love Jingo, I'm so glad I got him and I want him around for as long as possible. Besides feeding him food off the table is how those cops got Jingo so fat in the first place. Damn, I'm running late. The dishes are going to have to wait I guess. They've been waiting for a while now as I pile these in with the dishes that have been building since Friday.  
  
1351 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
Walking into my office, I dive right into the remaining paperwork on my desk. I'm just finishing up these last two case files whose respective trials are long since past, beating Sturgis and Singer in the process. In fact, I've been rather unbeatable lately; I've never gone on a winning streak like this before. Of course, that's a lot easier to do with Harm and Bud gone. Bud's a better litigator than many people give him credit for and Harm... well Harm's one of the best in the business. He's pulled so many white rabbits out of that magic cover of his during trials that you can't count him out even when seems like you've got him on the mat with a nine count. There, all done and its only 0915, plenty of time for coffee.  
  
"Good morning Mac." Sturgis is in there reading something in the paper with a cup of coffee in his hand.  
  
"Good morning Sturgis." I quit calling him Alec Baldwin about two months ago. I only call him that when he's getting a little too cocky, which thankfully doesn't happen that often.  
  
"How was your weekend?"  
  
"Exhausting."  
  
"What were you doing?" That's the difference between Harm and Sturgis. Harm would've come up with some sexually inoffensive or otherwise wise-ass crack to toss back at me.  
  
"I was at Bud and Harriet's." I don't look at him as I pour myself a cup of coffee, but I can hear his eyebrows lifting up at that.  
  
"Spending time with the dragon were we?" Sturgis has been calling Bud a dragon for some time now. He picked it up from Major Saunders over at Bethesda if I remember correctly. Bud had just been yelling at him and Harriet while we were in the waiting room. Major Saunders let it slip in front of us while Harriet was still with Bud. He was immediately apologetic to the Admiral, but even the Admiral had to admit that he was right after we left that day. It was the most respectful conversation we've ever had and it was probably for the Admiral's benefit. A few days later Bud really ripped into Sturgis while he was visiting him and Sturgis hasn't called him 'Bud' behind Harriet's back since.  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"Any luck?"  
  
"Nah, same crap, different day." Sturgis doesn't say anything regarding my most recent failure to help Bud out. I think he's resigned himself to the fact that Bud's beyond help. Actually, he thinks Bud needs professional help. The day he suggested it Harriet blew the idea off. I did too, but now after all the time that's gone by I have to agree with him and I'm sure Harriet does too even though she's never admitted as much.  
  
"Mac?" Sturgis' tone tells me he's slightly uncomfortable with what he's about to say next.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Did you get Harm's e-mail?" I did get it; opened it, read it and trashed it.  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"Well I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to Norfolk tomorrow and pick him up." That's not something I care to do any time soon. I'm not sure I'm ready to be alone with him. I know Sturgis too well by now, he'd find some convenient excuse not to come or he'll disappear on me and I'll lose my buffer between Harm and myself. It shouldn't be like this, but here we are.  
  
I don't like to do this either, but it's time to hand him a lie and hope he buys it. "I've got too much work to do."  
  
"No you don't. I know you've got an empty plate." Damn.  
  
"Well I won't after the staff meeting." That meeting can't come soon enough now.  
  
"That's what your basing you're decision on, the prospect of upcoming work? That's pretty weak Mac."  
  
"We're not having this discussion Sturgis." Sugar, I need more sugar in my coffee. This way I don't have to look at him as I dump a spoonful in and take my sweet time stirring it in.  
  
"Do you love him?" Oh! Of course, he'd bring that up. He'll bring it up for the rest of my life if need be. This is all your own damn fault Marine; of course, you'd go and spill one of your biggest secrets to one of the best friends of the man you love. Well there's your answer, you might as well here what Sturgis has to say about it. Turn around slowly Marine, yeah that's it, nice and easy. You don't want to make it obvious, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be throwing in the towel either.  
  
"What's love got to do with anything?" I can remember Harm saying that to me, it's the one conversation I wish could have gone differently. Yeah Sydney was a disaster, but if I'd laid it all on the line there in his office, Sydney never happens. I really don't think he'd have pushed me away either. I think we both knew we wanted each other and to prove that I loved him that much I'd have let him go back to flying, in fact I would have insisted he go. I'm not saying I would have understood it at all, hell, I still don't, but I would have let him go. He get's his Tomcats and I get him, that's win-win. As an added bonus, there wouldn't have been any chain of command complications to deal with. We'd probably be married with a baby on the way by now.  
  
"It's a little late for you to be throwing these cryptic remarks at me isn't it? It's a simple question; do you love him?" There are no simple questions when it comes to love, or me and Harm for that matter. I make a quick glance at the doorway before I answer him. I don't need Singer overhearing this. "Yes I love him."  
  
"Why aren't you telling him these things?" I don't know why, if I did we wouldn't be standing here talking about it. If Harm were here right now, I wouldn't have the first clue of what to say to him. This is far more confusing than it aught to be. I've worked out a dozen possible ways to break the ice, but none seem... well... well there you go. Now you know as much as I do. None them clearly say what I want to. The last time we talked in Naples, we really blew up at each other. He was gone before Harriet even made it out there, running away as usual. He's sent me over a dozen e-mails since then, roughly once a week. I only responded to one; I told him that we'd gotten back safely and that Bud was going to be transferred from Naples to Ramstein for two weeks before being shipped to Bethesda. I still wasn't ready to forgive and forget, but I still wished him good luck. I'll never forget to do that again, even when I'm mad at him. Of course, I didn't say I was sorry in my e-mail so I don't know why I expected him to do the same in any of his.  
  
"It's complicated Sturgis."  
  
"Why, because of your fight?" Shit, either Harm told him or he heard us.  
  
"What fight?"  
  
"Everyone on that entire hospital wing heard the two of you, so don't play that game."  
  
"We weren't fighting Sturgis."  
  
"No I'd say it was more like brawling by the sound of it. I'm the only reason the two of you didn't get thrown out by security."  
  
"Well I'm sorry, but I'm all out of metals." I can see the frustration building in Sturgis' eyes. I don't understand where this belief of his comes from that he thinks he can change everything around here.  
  
"I don't want a metal, I want you to tell him what you're telling me." Damn that calm voice of his, doesn't he ever get angry? He's definitely the son of a preacher man.  
  
"This isn't any of your business Sturgis and I'm not going to Norfolk." The tone of my voice shouldn't leave any room for argument, and it doesn't since Sturgis simply folds up his paper and walks out.  
  
"At ease. Let's make this short and sweet." Sturgis, Singer, Harriet, and I are all back in our seats by the time the Admiral makes it to his chair. "Colonel, the first one's for you." I look quickly over at Sturgis, but he doesn't look back at me, it's probably for the best as I'm sure I am wearing a smug grin on my face. "Colonel Jennifer Travis has been charged with sexual harassment of a... Lieutenant Commander Jason Winters. Both work out of the Psychological Operations center of the Pentagon." Wonderful, I get to deal with a bunch of shrinks. Of course, these aren't just any shrinks. They develop the psychological warfare protocols we use in war. They have their hand in our interrogation techniques; demoralization methodologies and I've even heard rumors that they have an assortment of torture tactics they've come up with over the years. They can get just about anything out of anyone.  
  
"A woman sir?" Wow, I can count on one hand how many times I've heard of a woman being charged with sexual harassment.  
  
"Do you have a problem with it being a woman Colonel?"  
  
"No sir." I hate it when he does that. Of course, I don't have a problem with it. If I did I wouldn't be here, I'd be in a civilian practice somewhere with a big expensive desk and a comfortable chair making piles of money. Oh, and I'd actually be trying cases, not doing someone else's legwork for them.  
  
"Good because you're going to prosecute her." The Admiral hands me the file, but still hasn't mentioned who'll be defending her.  
  
"Yes sir." It doesn't say who in the file either. "Has Colonel Travis retained civilian counsel sir?"  
  
"No, I'm giving the case to Commander Mattoni. Give him a call at the Pentagon and set up a meeting with him. Naturally, the Pentagon and the SECNAV want this handled quietly, innocent or not."  
  
"That's going to be difficult sir."  
  
"The Pentagon has managed to keep a lid on it thus far and I expect the same here."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Moving on, Commander are we going to have a trial here?"  
  
"Yes sir, Ensign Lang wants her day in court."  
  
"Well she's going to get it. Your fully prepared for this I take it?"  
  
"Yes sir, if fact sir, I'd like your permission to pick up Commander Rabb at Norfolk tomorrow."  
  
"You're feeling that confidant Commander?"  
  
"Yes sir, Ensign Lang's defense will not suffer in the slightest."  
  
"Are you planning on going alone?"  
  
"Apparently so sir." I can feel their stares boring into the back of my head. I glanced at Harriet when Harm's name was mentioned and now she's wearing this huge smile as apposed to the thin one she's usually has on. It's a by-product of her personal life and for once, I'm glad I don't have one. But, for the life of me, I can't explain her sudden change in attitude. I mean Harriet and Harm aren't really that close. Well Bud's always looked up to him; maybe Harriet feels he can turn Bud around. I'd like to set her straight about that, but I can't find it in me to be so cruel as to dash her hopes like that. Returning to reality I pick up on the Admiral handing Singer a pair of cases; disorderly conduct and a UA charge both of which she has to defend. I think she's only happy when she's in the prosecutor's chair. I doubt she likes defending screw-ups. I also noticed the look on Sturgis' face; he saw Harriet's reaction too. I don't know what we're going to do about this or if we can do anything at all.  
  
"Commander I want case file updates on all of your pending trials before you leave today."  
  
"Understood Admiral, you'll have them by 1700."  
  
"Good, dismissed."  
  
When the Admiral dismissed us, I shot out of there as fast as I could without it being obvious. "Ma'am could I talk to you?" Damn not fast enough; I was reaching for the doorknob of my office when Harriet called out to me. I know what she wants to talk about.  
  
"Sure Harriet, do you want to come in my office?" Please come in Harriet, don't do this out here in the bullpen. Harriet doesn't say anything, she nods her head, and that's it. She looks small and vulnerable doing that. Opening the door, I toss the file down on my desk and turn to face Harriet who's closing the door.  
  
"Ma'am I'd just like to apologize for Bud's behavior yesterday. He doesn't mean those things he said."  
  
"I know he doesn't Harriet." Now that's a blatant lie, of course he meant all those things. I doubt she believes it either. I meant them when I was screaming at Uncle Matt for days on end. The difference here is that Bud isn't practically being held prisoner by a family member. There was a time when I wanted to do the same for Bud, take him far away from any distractions, and force him to dry out, but I couldn't possibly overstep my boundaries like that here. Besides I don't know if I could last that long. Bud is really getting good at being incredibly mean to me. He's thrown every negative thing in my life, every mistake and every black mark on my record back in my face. He's brought up everything from my father, my mother, my alcoholism and Eddie's death to my marriage with Chris and his death at my hands. Then there's my affair with John, Dalton dying my arms and my drunken stupor at JAG following that, the mishap report that found its way into my car, the failed wedding, Mic leaving because of it, and my subsequent escape to the other side of the world. He's used it all and then some. I've never lasted more than an hour with him. By the time I make it home, I'm crying my Marine heart out. It hurts so much to look back on every bad thing in my life and try to face it all at once. I thought I was getting over it but yesterday was by far the worst day yet, after saying all those things to me again Bud managed to top himself yet again. He said that Mic had called him and said that the reason he left me was that he could no longer overlook my past and came to his senses about me. I didn't believe him, but then Bud followed that up with something far worse. He told me that because of my past, no one would ever love me, and that I would die alone, forgotten and unloved. I... God, just thinking about what he said is too painful. He was Mic's best man; maybe Mic said that, maybe he didn't. Does it really even matter? Words have never cut me so deeply as Bud's did. I've lost all my resolve to help him any more and I don't think I have it in me to ever go back there again. I don't why he's affecting me this much, but I can feel the tears building fast, stop it right now Marine and suck it up before you start crying again and Harriet sees how much Bud's affected you already.  
  
"It'll be nice having Commander Rabb back won't it ma'am?" Oh, not you too Harriet. I've just spent the last few minutes convincing her; successfully I might add that I was okay about Bud. I don't need this from her too; I'll have to nip this conversation in the bud.  
  
"Three months ago, three months from now, what's the difference?" I don't mean that of course, but Harriet's face immediately falls.  
  
"Oh... Um, well... I should go... things to do." Wow, she's really put off by that. She wants Harm and now. She really believes he can help them. Oh, God Harriet wake up, Harm isn't going to be able to do a damn thing about this without Bud's cooperation and no one's gotten that for a long time.  
  
"Very well, dismissed." Harriet comes to attention and leaves; probably grateful for the easy exit I gave her.  
  
1803 ZULU  
COLONEL MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN, VIRGINIA  
  
"Hey boy, been good?" Jingo already has his leash in his mouth and a 'I've-been-cooped-up-all-day-can-we-please-go-outside-now?' look in his eyes. Maybe a walk is just what I need. Not a long one, just enough to clear my head. "You love me don't you boy?" I know what Jingo's response is going to be. He's going to give me the same friendly doggy grin and wagging tail, he always gives me. Reassurance from a dog doesn't go very far, but it's at least something to hold on to isn't it?  
  
The walk did help, a teeny, tiny bit. It's kind of hard to get upbeat with all the work I looking at and a social schedule where walking the dog is likely to be the highlight of the evening. Dinner tonight was hamburgers. Two, big juicy hamburgers and I'd love to see the look on Harm's face if he were here right now. Jingo begged again of course and usually that wouldn't affect me, but I am human after all and besides, a small piece of hamburger isn't going to kill him. Normally Jingo wouldn't even have the opportunity to get his paws on hamburger. I'd just stop by Beltway and get a couple of hamburgers there. Thing is I'm trying to adhere to a stricter budget and Beltway Burgers at $4.15 a pop simply won't fit. I get two at a time you see, plus fries and a soda. Besides, I'm a little too embarrassed to go back there right now. Turns out that several of the employees there have come to know me by first name and my ordering preferences down to the day of the week just as Harm predicted they would. I swear if he ever found out, I'd never hear the end of it. I really miss their French fries though, making them here is either too much of a hassle coupled with a burden or they just don't turn out right. There is no super sizing your order at Beltway either; all the portions are already huge, like a number of their customers. Harm's not the only one who's amazed I can eat there and still maintain my figure. I can usually feel the eyes of countless greasy, overweight men watching me, leering at me while I eat there. Another reason to eat here instead.  
  
I never did like math in high school or college and I still don't. At 1600, the Admiral called me into his office and dumped JAG's budget submission for the next fiscal year in my lap. Harm's always been the one to take care of this sort of thing since he handled it so well a few years ago. Best thing to come out of Harm dating Renee in my opinion, but since he's not here why not just stick it to the Chief of Staff and see what she can do with it. The idea that Renee easily deciphered this mess is the only thing that's preventing me from lighting this whole thing on fire. I've got last year's budget submission here along with a pile of assorted receipts, vouchers, bills, and expense forms. I've been at this for three hours and I'm no closer to being finished than when I started. I'd ask Sturgis for help, but my gut feeling is that law aside, he's more of an engineering wiz. Gotta be if you're going to be a bubblehead. The flyboy's the number cruncher of the three of us, maybe I could just hold this off for a few days and dump this on him.  
  
1142 ZULU, THE NEXT DAY  
  
"Ahhh, Jingo go away!" I fell asleep on the couch last night and now Jingo's licking my face to get me up. My couch may look nice, but its hell to actually sleep on. The budget submission is still lying on my lap where I left it, mocking me. I spent all night on it and got nowhere for my efforts. I didn't fall asleep until 0212. I have the two empty pints of ice cream sitting on my coffee table to thank for that. Comfort food you see. Blueberry cheesecake and chocolate chip cookie dough, Carolyn got me hooked on the blueberry cheesecake; I've always been a chocolate addict. "Ohhh" Several back muscles are protesting the effort to even get up. I remember Coates being the same way after one night. This couch is no respecter of persons, owner or not. Jingo already has his leash and is ready to go. No, no way, I'm too sore and tired to run. It's going to have to be a walk today, besides I need to review some files for this Travis matter more closely. I thought I could knock this budget submission out of the park in one night and be free to work exclusively on the case. Well we all know that turned out and now I have to survive the day on four and a half hours of sleep and enough coffee float a battleship.  
  
1357 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
Oh precious coffee, how I adore thee. Normally I'd get my coffee at JAG, but Sturgis isn't going to be there. Which means he won't be making the coffee, which means Tiner will attempt another pot. As soon as we got back, he ordered Tiner to never again make coffee on any day he was to be expected at JAG. Even the Admiral got a laugh out of it when he'd asked why the coffee had been so good as of late. Sturgis makes great coffee. I only have two hours before Mattoni and Colonel Travis show up for our meeting. One cup of coffee won't even get me that far today. I'm not expecting a lot this early in the game; it'll be the same old thing of course. 'Colonel, I'd like to ask you a few questions.' Mattoni will jump in with the obvious, 'Colonel I advise you not to answer any of the prosecution's questions.' Followed by her even more obvious response to that, 'I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to listen to my defense council's advice.' Mattoni's too good of a lawyer to let his client talk to the prosecution before he's worked out a reasonable defense strategy. Walking past the break room door, I almost bump into someone coming out and dang near spill all my coffee over his back, that wouldn't do at all.  
  
"Oh excuse me." It's Sturgis and my first thought isn't centered around why he's here, rather its did he make the coffee or not.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
Sturgis simply folds his arms across his chest. "What no good morning?"  
  
"Good morning Alec." That'll fix 'em. His annoyed glare is as much fun to look at as it is to provoke. "I thought you'd be gone by now."  
  
"It turns out that in my haste to get all my case file updates on the Admiral's desk by 1700 I forgot to sign out one of the cars from JAG."  
  
"And what's wrong with taking yours?"  
  
"And put 450 to 500 miles on my baby? I don't think so." Oh good God, he's as bad as Harm. Gotta build himself a toy and then coddle it every chance he can get. All the guys here are crazy about that car; Harm will be too once he gets home. The parking lot is starting to look like a sports car convention out there. "Besides Harm's still TAD aboard the Seahawk, that's official JAG business."  
  
"And a good excuse to take the day off and goof around with Harm." Sturgis' pointed look reminds me that I could have had the day off too. I walked right into that one, well done Marine.  
  
"Where do you put all that?"  
  
"Where do I put all of what?"  
  
Sturgis is pointing at the brown paper bag in my hand. "Your lunch, where do you put all that?" I'm trying my luck at the cafeteria today; I've got the budget submission in the bag. Damn thing's heavy and too big to put in my briefcase, and what is it with the squids around here? Harm disapproves of what I eat, Sturgis of how much? Okay easy Marine, deep breaths here, they're only squids, they don't know any better. If we weren't here to protect them, the Army and Air Force would hog all the glory and muscle the Naval services out completely.  
  
"It's JAG's budget submission for next year."  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"Exactly. I don't suppose you made the coffee today?" Please God tell me he did, if I have to suffer through another Tiner pot today of all days I won't make it.  
  
Sturgis makes a quick glance at the bullpen before responding, "Yeah, caught Tiner just before he started so no suffering today. Look, I gotta go if I'm going to be there on time, I'll say hi to Harm for you."  
  
"Don't." Damn it! Where the hell did that come from? I didn't mean that.  
  
Sturgis stares at me for a moment and he sure as hell isn't amused. "Whatever Colonel, I'll see you tomorrow." As much as I want to say something, I can't. Sturgis' long strides easily carry him to the elevators in matter of moments, my eyes following him all the way until he disappears. This can't keep going on like this or eventually he'll tell Harm everything and let the chips fall where they may.  
  
I thought about Harm a lot last night. Part of the reason I didn't finish the budget project I guess. It occurred to me around 0100 that I'm probably making this fight, this distance between us out to be more than it really is. I mean Harm's e-mailed me over a dozen times. He wouldn't be doing that if he was mad at me. At first, he asked how everyone at JAG was doing especially Bud. He told me about the cases he was dealing with, the extra flight time he was getting and how weird it was being in the Gulf at war on the Seahawk again. Since then every e-mail has been shorter than the last, more impersonal than the last. What can I say other than sometimes your moment of clarity comes in the dead of the darkest night. Harm's e-mails have grown shorter every week since the first week. I think I know why too. He thinks I'm still mad at him, that's why he feels I haven't returned any of his e-mails. He probably thinks I don't even want his friendship anymore. At least that's what I think it is and it nearly brought me to tears last night. It's the real reason for the extra pint of ice cream last night. We were getting so close before all this happened; the dinner at his place before the tribunal, our dinner date after the Sebring trial, the entire time we were in country together and all that entailed. I really don't remember what exactly prompted that fight any more nor do I care. I miss him, and I've just missed out on the last chance to tell him that before he gets back and everything becomes awkward between us. He's been the only one reaching out and now his attempts are... well half-hearted at best I think. Hopefully when he gets back I'm going to be able to fix a lot of things between us. Then again, maybe I'm being as delusional as Harriet. God I hope not.  
  
"Ah my next victim." Mattoni has just walked into my office a good 15 minutes early.  
  
Mattoni simply smiles back, he knows about my current winning streak. "If I remember correctly Colonel, the last time the two of us went head to head your client got a twenty year vacation at Leavenworth." Mattoni was the last person to beat me. He was in complete control of that case the entire time. My client simply refused to deal.  
  
"Well I'm going to send Colonel Travis to visit him. Speaking of which, where is she?"  
  
"Oh come on Colonel, you didn't really expect her to answer any of your questions without us knowing what the good Captain's willing to offer did you? What is he offering by the way?" I spent a good half an hour on the phone with convening authority, Captain Woodward today before this meeting was supposed to happen.  
  
"I'm offering three years, 15,000 dollar fine, and dismissal." Captain Woodward doesn't want anything less than a year's confinement, 5,000-dollar forfeiture, and dismissal. Although he'll probably go along with anything I suggest, at the very least she has to go.  
  
"No way, letter of reprimand and half month's pay for two months." He's got to joking, just how does he expect to keep her in the service?  
  
"Look I'm willing to be flexible about the brig time and the forfeiture amount, but she has to go."  
  
"She wants to stay in."  
  
"Then she'll get to... for five more years in Leavenworth until she receives her dishonorable discharge." We're going to court; I actually and foolishly hoped we could've worked this one out. You know, the Colonel quietly agrees to retire, gets full benefits and her honorable discharge. "When am I going to be able to talk to her?"  
  
"I'll set something up for tomorrow at the Pentagon around say 1100? That work for you?"  
  
A quick check of my daily planner shows that I can do that. "Yeah that's fine."  
  
"Good, I want a copy of any preliminary witness lists you've drawn up so far when you come in too." I haven't even begun to think that far in advance.  
  
"Where's the fire?"  
  
Mattoni just shrugs his shoulders. "No fire just bored of petty cases, freedom of information requests and all that crap." That I can understand, it's been relatively quiet in the world of the UCMJ lately. Sturgis picked up that involuntary Manslaughter case of his two weeks ago and I got the Travis case yesterday, but other than that, it's really been dead around here. I guess once you get used to dealing with the big cases on a regular basis you sure as hell don't want to go back to all the little league stuff full time.  
  
"I hear that. So I'll see the two of you tomorrow?"  
  
"Yeah we'll be waiting for you."  
  
"Alan I'll entertain any offer that involves dismissal at any time up to and during the trial."  
  
"I know Mac, but I really don't think she's going to do it. She wants her day in court." I let out a sigh, but have no idea why. Did I really expect to convince him otherwise in the space of one conversation?  
  
"Say hi to Jackie for me okay."  
  
"You should really come over for dinner sometime. Jackie's always complaining that we don't entertain enough."  
  
"I'd like that."  
  
"Good, say hi to Harm for me when he comes back. I haven't seen him in a long time." See, he can do it. Why the hell can't I?  
  
"I'll do that. See you tomorrow Alan."  
  
"Later Mac." And with that, he's out of the office and into the bullpen. I watch him briefly as he visits with Tiner, Harriet, and the Admiral along with several other support staff personnel before I get back to work on the case.  
  
0303 ZULU  
COLONEL MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN, VIRGINIA  
  
Oh, this feels so good. I'm sitting here soaking in the bathtub; the scent of vanilla, lilacs, and lavender is permeating everything. Just the way I like it. I haven't had the time for something like this in like, forever, but I needed to unwind and simply made time for it. After Chinese takeout for dinner, I spent the next four hours working on the case. It's not as cut and dried, as I'd like to see. Then again, is it ever in these cases? Colonel Travis has had a brilliant career thus far; Naval Academy graduate, master's degree from Stanford, PhD from Harvard. She graduated Magna Cum Laude from all three, no prior history of sexual harassment on her record and glowing FIT REPS from all of her previous CO's and she's the Chief of Staff under Major General Hollenbeck. She's a poster child for the Corps. The Corps is her entire life; no family, few friends... okay that's enough; I'm supposed to be relaxing here. Any more and I'll become alarmed at the similarities between her life and mine. Just relax Marine, you're in a bubble bath for the first time in ages and feeling' good. What could be better? He's should be home by now... okay stop it! That's not relaxing by any stretch of the imagination. Still... maybe I should call him. He's not coming in until Thursday so I've still got a chance to reach out to him before he comes back. Tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow. I'm going to relax today.  
  
I'm relaxed but not as much as I'd like to be. I feel good, physically I mean. Thinking about Harm wasn't relaxing at all and against all my resistance, Bud's words found their way back into thoughts. So now, I'm doing what I always do when I need to feel good about being me. Hanging on my frig is a photograph, a card and couple sheets of paper. One of the sheets of paper is the picture Lillyana drew of me holding a M-16. It's a little dirty and the acrid smell of gunpowder and explosives clings to it lightly. The history behind it means more to me than the picture itself. She almost died trying to deliver it to me. I've tried keeping in touch with her, but after the incident, her mother found work somewhere else. It's hard enough to track someone down in the U.S. not to mention half way around the world. I really should have this in a frame or a scrapbook to protect it. I like it here though, maybe because I can pretend that my own daughter drew it. How's that for biological clock alarm bells? The card is from Lieutenant Elisabeth Maat and her daughter Katelyn. It's a thank you card from the two of them. Lieutenant Maat wrote the card obviously. After Seth Maat assaulted Harriet, we won the appeal for sole custody of Katelyn. Afterwards, I won Harriet's assault case. His punishment was light considering what he's already done to Katelyn. He only received two years probation, a five thousand dollar fine and was required to attend anger management classes. I guess it was the best we could hope for on a first conviction. At least if he does it again the consequences will be more severe. Katelyn sent me a picture she drew of her riding a brown quarter horse through a green meadow, sun shining on a bluebird day. Of course, our victory in court wasn't the only good thing to come out of this. Lieutenant Singer showed she could actually be caring human being once in awhile. It was by far her finest hour in my book.  
  
The photograph, which I will put in one of my photo albums, is of Chloe and me on our horses at her Grandmother's farm. We were riding, She's on Scout, and I'm on one of their other horses. The photo looks great, but all I was thinking at the time was how much my butt hurt from all the riding we'd done that day. I took two days off and extended my weekend visit up there. After sitting second chair to Singer, I needed to decompress. I think I needed some good old-fashioned girl bonding time too. We went shopping, talked guys; namely her best friend turned boyfriend. While we were on that theme, she was quick to bring up Harm of course. Turns out Petty Officer Coates and her had a long chat after I'd fallen asleep that night and she thinks that I'm in love with Harm again. Am I really that transparent? Naturally, I dismissed her claims and steered the conversation elsewhere. Sister or not, one person is my yearly quota for revealing personal secrets to. Funny, Sturgis doesn't know I'm a recovering alcoholic, but he's the only one who knows for sure that I'm in love with Harm. Once I am done putting the pictures and the card back on the frig I head to the living room with the photograph in hand. It's getting late, it's past ten as I pull one of the photo albums down and find a spot for the new addition. I could put an hour into the budget submission, but why torture myself when I'm warm and comfortable here on the couch watching T.V in my pajamas?  
  
1635 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Please place your car in park ma'am." I'm sitting here in my car at the JAG security gate. The Marine guards are giving my car the customary bomb sweep. "Pop your trunk ma'am." Somehow, that strikes me as hilarious. Even if I had a bomb in the truck, it'd have to be so small to fit in there to begin with that I doubt it could destroy anything except the car itself. All of these enhanced security checks are courtesy of 9-11 of course. Even the Admiral's car is searched these days as well as the cars being returned to JAG's motor pool. The guards are quick and efficient about all this as only Marines can be. The delay isn't that bad, a minute or two and your done. Harm's the only one who gets really irritated by it. If he didn't run late so often he wouldn't mind it as much. "Thank you ma'am, you're clear to drive ahead. Have a nice day ma'am."  
  
"Thank you Staff Sergeant." Driving ahead, I manage to find a spot between Sturgis' Porsche and Harriet's minivan.  
  
"Good afternoon Colonel." Shit, it's the Admiral. I've just gotten out my car, I don't have my cover on, and he's waiting for a salute. Damn it he's actually grinning at me. I'm standing here trying to juggle a thousand damn things with only two hands and he just standing there barely containing his laughter at my predicament.  
  
There; cover on, everything's in the left hand and a crisp salute with the other, "Good afternoon Admiral". I swear he enjoyed that far too much. Shifting my briefcase back into my right hand, I walk with him to the front entrance.  
  
"How'd it go over at the Pentagon?" I went straight there from home in the morning. I had my meeting with Mattoni and Colonel Travis and got her deposition. Then I Interviewed Commander Winters, two Navy Lieutenants, a Marine Captain, and a Chief Petty Officer.  
  
"Good sir."  
  
"I just got back from there myself. Trial?"  
  
"Most likely sir. She doesn't want to deal."  
  
"Keep me appraised Colonel."  
  
"Will do sir." The Admiral's apparently going elsewhere because he's made a sharp turn for the law library.  
  
"Colonel, hold up." Spinning around at the elevators I can see the Admiral walking back towards me.  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"I've got a meeting with Admiral Morris and few things to look after. Have the entire JAG staff assembled in the bullpen at 1500, I've got an announcement to make, and I'd like to tell everyone at once."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Excellent, carry on." I watch the Admiral walk away from the within the elevator until the doors close shut. I wish he could have told me what this was about. He's peaked my curiosity now. It's not about Harm; Sturgis' Porsche is in the parking lot, which means both of them got home safe. Besides, if something had happened to Harm the Admiral would have told us right away. It's a good thing though. I can feel it and I don't know that I can hold out until 1500 for whatever news might be coming.  
  
"So did the Admiral tell you what this was all about?"  
  
"No he just said to have everyone in the bullpen." 1456 finds the bullpen crowded with staff personnel. Sturgis and I are leaning against the wall near my office. I haven't known Sturgis long enough to just stand here and fall into a comfortable silence with him, but I'm not sure I want to bring this up. "So whatcha do yesterday?"  
  
Sturgis looks surprised that I'd even want venture into this topic. "Not much, picked him up and went to a bar before dropping him off." Well nothing ever changes does it? "Why?"  
  
"Just curious." Sturgis clearly doesn't believe me, but he's not going to push the issue. We had three days to burn while we were in Naples. Harm hadn't been talking to me for some reason since the Seahawk and invited Sturgis out for drinks. Sturgis left a note as to where they'd gone so when the phone call from Captain Johnson came in about Bud, I knew where to go. When I got there, they were both pretty much hammered, but still going hard at it. There was a whole group of officers around them. I saw a few submariners and a bunch of pilots from both the Navy and Marine Corps there with them. They were having a great time. I watched them for exactly ten minutes before they saw me. I've never seen Harm drink like that before, the two of them slammed down anything that was put in front of them. Apparently, their money was no good there. Those guys would have kept drinks in front of Harm and Sturgis all night or until they fell over if, I hadn't broken up the party. Despite the massive amount of alcohol they must have consumed already they were still sober enough at the time to understand that they should go with me to the hospital. The three of us left together in cab and beat the helo coming from the airport to the hospital by about a half an hour. The plane carrying Bud was set to go all the way to Germany, but just as they got over the Med Bud flat lined on them so they decided to go straight to Naples instead. They revived him on the plane but they probably saved his life doing so. The cab ride over was difficult. Both of them reeked of alcohol and the smell was over powering. Their shirts appeared to be soaked in it, like someone gave them a beer bath. I thought about how nice it'd be to be them at the moment; drunk, numb, sleepy, not really aware of their surroundings, and not really caring either. In other words, they didn't have to deal with the situation as it progressed. They were both lights out in those uncomfortable, plastic hospital chairs by the time Bud's helo landed. No amount of coffee was going to keep them from passing out at that point. Three hours later when I was finally told that Bud would indeed live to see another day, both were on the floor sleeping like the dead and snoring loud enough to raise them. The next day they fought off their hangovers long enough to briefly talk to Bud. Within the day, Harm had called the Admiral and gotten himself assigned as the new Seahawk JAG. We blew up at each other in the hospital. Harm stormed out and was on his way back to the Seahawk within the hour, missing Harriet's plane from Andrews by another hour. I can't believe the first thing they could think of doing was heading out and drinking again! Okay... calm down Marine. How were they supposed to know Bud was injured in the first place? Besides, they're big boys and can do whatever they want. You need to calm down or your going end up fighting with Harm, Sturgis, or both.  
  
It isn't until 1502.22 that the Admiral makes his appearance and saves me from my own temporary insanity. The Marine in me wants to point out that he's seven minutes, twenty-two seconds late. Hey, I'm a Marine, and in my world, if you're not there five minutes early you're already late. Of course, he's a Rear Admiral, the JAG and I'm only a Lieutenant Colonel. Flag officers play by their own rules and you better play nice in their sandbox if you want to stay there.  
  
"I've got two announcement to make, and please hold your applause until I'm finished. I've just received word that Commander Sturgis Turner is to be awarded the Bronze Star for his role in sinking the Najvayi while TAD aboard the U.S.S Watertown." A quick check of Sturgis' face reveals a self-satisfied grin. I guess I was expecting more surprise from a man who's just learned he's to be decorated. "And for leading a dirty nuke cruise missile away from the Sea Hawk Carrier Battle Group in an F-14, Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. is to receive the Navy Cross for his gallantry in action aboard the U.S.S. Sea Hawk." The bullpen's filled with cheers, but my mind's tuning them out. Wow, they gave him the Navy Cross. I wonder if he knows? I'd heard they were considering going all the way with it and giving him the Medal of Honor, but the CIA made such a stink about this whole joint operation crap or the lack thereof, that the second greatest honor the Navy could give Harm would be the best that he could do. That's bullshit of course, I was there. He saved my life and the lives of over 5,000 Sailors and Marines aboard ship. That missile hits, and it dwarfs 9-11 with 67% more casualties. Not to mention that he literally saved a multi-billion dollar ship and almost all of her aircraft. That kind of money doesn't just grow on trees. They should've gone ahead and given him the whole enchilada. Still, my resentment of that injustice aside, I'm... I'm proud of him. I don't tell him that often enough. In fact, I don't tell him that at all. When the Admiral officially presented me with my meritorious service medal Harm took me out for a congratulatory dinner. He told me he was proud of me over my chocolate cake dessert. Taking him out to dinner never even crossed my mind when the Admiral handed him his second DFC, but that's going to change.  
  
Looking over at Sturgis I can see him accepting the praise that everyone in the office is giving him. I expected him to... I don't know, be more excited I guess. Instead he looks bored, bored out of his mind. After the line of well wishers as subsided, I finally get his attention. "You tired or something?"  
  
"No." The tone of his voice says otherwise, he's been burning the midnight oil recently to make sure he stomps all over Singer.  
  
"Bored?"  
  
"No." Now there's a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. He's hiding something; I bet he knew about this ahead of time.  
  
"You already knew about this didn't you?"  
  
Sturgis opens his mouth to say something but doesn't. "Yeah I knew what Harm and I were each being decorated with."  
  
"When?" I bet Harm found out and told him about his metal and Sturgis about his. They've been keeping in touch a lot while he was gone.  
  
"About three weeks ago." How is it he found out before the Admiral and kept it a secret from us? "Just one of the many advantages of dating a Congresswoman Mac. Bobbi made me promise not to tell anyone. The rest was all really just a formality."  
  
Its on the tip of my tongue to ask him what the other advantages of dating a Congresswoman are when the Admiral speaks up again. "Now in honor of Commander Turner and Rabb's achievements I've decided to have a small celebration here at JAG. Tomorrow there'll be hamburgers, hotdogs, and barbequed chicken for lunch. If anyone wants to bring in any thing else, feel free to do so. Desserts won't be provided so if a couple of people would bring in a few things that would be greatly appreciated. Tiner will sending around a sign up sheet so we won't have duplicate items showing up. That said, Commander Rabb is still unaware that he's received the Navy Cross, I'd like to keep it that way until the party. That'll be all." The Admiral moves off towards his office and the crowd in the bullpen begins to dissolve.  
  
"Bringing anything?"  
  
"I don't know, maybe." I seem to remember finding some box for making fudge in my cabinet yesterday. Chloe and I never got around to making it last Christmas. "You?"  
  
"Cake I think." Sturgis bakes? Didn't see that one coming.  
  
"Really, what kind?"  
  
"It's called a Lazy Daisy cake. Bobbi got me addicted to it." Oh, they bought it.  
  
"I guess I could buy something too."  
  
Sturgis just looks at me with these playfully wounded eyes. "Who said anything about buying a cake?" Now that's funny. I'd pay to see that; Congresswoman Latham in an apron baking a cake. What's wrong with that picture? Better yet how much would it be worth? "Bobbi and I'll just churn two of them out."  
  
"Can't wait to try it." That list will take forever to reach us and I'm not that patient. I have a lot of work to do. "I'm gonna head back to work." Sturgis just nods his head, content to wait it out for the list to make its way to him while accepting the congratulations of everyone else who happens by until then.  
  
2233 ZULU  
COLONEL MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN, VIRGINIA  
  
"Hi you've reached Commander Harmon Rabb. I'm going to be out of town for about a week, but if you'll please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."  
  
Obviously, he made that recording before we left. "Hi Harm, it's Mac..." Don't stop, say something. "Um, I'm just trying to get hold of you. I wanted to talk to you about Bud. We really need to dig him out of this funk he's gotten himself in. He's becoming very volatile and offensive. We need to smack some sense into him before he does something to permanently sever all of his friendships. He won't like it, but it's for his own good. Gimme a call when you can okay? It's good to have you back. Bye." Talking about Bud seemed easier than talking about us right now. I almost forgot to mention that I was glad he was home. Well that wasn't too bad overall. I'd rather talk to him than leave a message, but he could be anywhere right now. I suppose he's got a lot to do before he comes in tomorrow. He could be talking to Bud right now for all I know. I can't help laughing at his message though. One week became three months. Bet that frustrated a lot of callers. 'Out of town'? Well that's one way to say 'I'm going to Afghanistan'. 'I'll be half way around the world', is another. The important thing is that I've made contact. His call, whenever it comes in will be a welcomed distraction from work tonight... or baking, don't want to forget that either. I'm making fudge.  
  
Dinner was... interesting to say the least. I made the fudge while I made spaghetti, what a combo huh? Just like any kid, I couldn't help repeatedly tasting the batter. Hey, I had check it for consistency and taste right? I did that all the time as a kid and I see I haven't changed since. I'm not too proud to admit that I licked the electric mixer blade clean either. What a mess though, the pile of dishes in my sink is down right embarrassing and as soon as I'm done baking the fudge I'm putting everything else off until those dishes are done. Turning on the water, I dump in a liberal amount of dish soap. I'll just let them soak first. Normally I'd never let dishes soak, but some of the food has dried on the plates and it'd be murder to get it off. I used to let dishes soak in the sink as a kid too. Then I could play with my doll a little while longer. That stopped when I was 10. Dad got home early one day, pulled a dirty plate out of the sink and broke it over my head when he saw me walking away from the dishes. My doll soaked up a lot of tears. Its times like this I question my own potential at motherhood. Yeah I'm good with little A.J, I know that, but he's not 'my' kid. I don't have to deal with him every second of the day. When I see him, he's happy and content. There's no crying, whining or complaining. No dirty diapers, disobedience, and most importantly no patience required on my part. Chloe's been somewhat more encouraging, but ultimately I knew I wasn't responsible for her either. Part of me treated her like a recruit. It's what she needed at the time, but I wouldn't want to raise my kids like that. I know wouldn't leave my kids like mom, but... who's to say I wouldn't end up like dad? I know the statistics all too well and the cycles of abuse. This is depressing... thank God there's an ample supply of chocolate here, besides at the rate I'm going I'll never have the opportunity to find out anyway.  
  
This case sucks. The high profile case we've been waiting for finally comes along and all I want to is scream. Commander Winters says she implied that she could ruin his career if he didn't change his attitude about a few things. Namely, her I take it. Colonel Travis obviously denied all that, claiming that he came on to her. They're nearly the same age, only two years apart. Colonel Travis has received two accelerated promotions and Commander Winters entered the service when he was 27. Then we have the Lieutenants; one of them backs up Colonel Travis' testimony completely, the other is leading me to believe there's a possibility Commander Winters is telling the truth. The Captain threw her full support behind Colonel Travis as well. The Chief Petty Officer was simply a waste of my time. He didn't see a thing, or so he claims. I don't like this; I want to believe Colonel Travis is innocent, but all of Psy Ops over there including her CO seems to be protecting her. I'm going have to focus in on Lieutenant Drexler. He knows something; I'm going to have dredge up his service record from the Pentagon. I just hope his record is clean; if he's got some axe to grind, he's next to worthless to my case. If that doesn't pan out, I'm going to have to find people who've worked under her in the past. I miss Gunny; he was great at that sort of thing. Time for a chocolate fix I think. I really want that fudge, its not the greatest, but it's chocolate and I'm not picky. All the ice cream is gone so what else is there? Oh here we go, my top cabinet drawer holds my salvation; hot chocolate and I've even got this big block of milk chocolate that I can shave thin little pieces off of to put in my cappuccino. Chloe and Martha gave me a cappuccino maker as a birthday gift, but I rarely have the opportunity to use it, well maybe now's the time.  
  
"No thank you, good bye." Damn telemarketers. I feel like throwing the damn phone against the wall. At least then the siege of calls would stop. I've gotten four such calls since 2100 alone. Don't these people have lives? Who calls a complete stranger at 2217 and expects them to listen to anything they have to say? Harm still hasn't called; either he's still running around taking care of things or he doesn't want to... No, no, fight or not, if I ask Harm to call me back he will. In the mean time, I'm working on the Travis case and my third cappuccino. No way was I going to let it go unused tonight. I'll be glad when this is over. Cases like this are media magnets and it's only a matter of time before they start hounding us for details. For now, the case has been kept relatively quiet and for that I'm grateful. I don't need the constant phone calls asking about the case. Mattoni could and would bring it to light if it served his client's interest, but I don't think he will. She's not being rail-roaded by some hard ass General who can't stand women in the military. It's a subordinate charging her of all this, a public scandal is the last thing any of us want right now. The military needs to maintain our high public approval rating. In fact, I doubt the military's ever been so popular since World War II. I've heard that recruiters in all the service branches have filled their quotas in something like half the time normally required. I was at Quantico a few weeks ago, I happened to catch the latest OSC class of female Marine graduates finishing the final day of the crucible and getting their Eagle, Globe and Anchors. It was their big day, but I found myself getting wrapped up in their excitement. Who knows where the Marines will take them? At the very least, they'll be stronger, more confident women because of it. Playing with my own OCS ring I wander into my bedroom and look at the picture of uncle Matt and me at my OCS graduation in our dress blues. I thought I was going to be the only person there without friends or family, but he showed up out of no where to surprise me. He'd just been promoted a full bird Colonel a week before my graduation and retired six years later. He was so proud of me, he's still proud of me. Tracing our smiles with a finger, I stifle a yawn. It's late, I'm tired, and I'll see Harm tomorrow.  
  
1242 ZULU, THE NEXT DAY  
  
"Jingo come back here, don't you dare shake off in there!" Jingo looks back at me and apparently; my stern look is enough to convince him to come back into the kitchen. We're both soaking wet, half way through the run the sky just opened up and began pouring on us. I cut the run short and we ran for home. I carried Jingo into the kitchen to keep him off the carpet. I cleaned him up, but he's still very wet and I know he wants to shake himself off and roll around on the carpet and couch to dry himself off. "Good boy." I towel him off as much as possible, but with his long fur, he's still wet. He'll just have to air dry. Breakfast is going to be cereal today due to lack of time and the fact that I'm likely to consume about a million calories at lunch today. Jingo lies down on his bed as I head out of the kitchen for a shower.  
  
1538 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Enter."  
  
"You wanted to see me sir?" The Admiral called me in a few minutes ago and right now, I'm racking my brain to figure out what he wants from me.  
  
"Yes I did. Do you have any idea of where Commander Rabb might be?"  
  
"He's not in his office sir?" Well that's real smart Colonel, obviously the Admiral wouldn't go looking for Harm in his own office.  
  
The Admiral gives me a look like I've grown two heads. "No Colonel he isn't, he's an hour and a half late." Good one flyboy, late on your first day back and your already pissing the Admiral off. "We've only been getting his machine at his place. He hasn't even changed the message on his machine so we didn't bother leaving a message on it."  
  
"What about his cell?"  
  
"Tried that, couldn't even get a connection." Now I'm getting worried. He hasn't been back for 48 hours yet and I bet he's already in trouble. "Did Commander Rabb call you at all last night or before that?"  
  
I wish. "No sir. I called him last night, but got his answering machine too."  
  
The Admiral punches his intercom button before barking into the phone, "Tiner get Commander Turner in here." Tiner's voice over the intercom is roughened, but the 'Aye sir' is still understandable. "Damn phone, why can't these things last longer than two years Colonel?" He says that like it's my fault or something. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that when the Admiral gets frustrated, he takes it out on the phone. Harm's probably been responsible for most of the damage done to this phone and all of its predecessors.  
  
"No idea sir."  
  
A knock on the door interrupts our brief discussion of my case. "Enter."  
  
Sturgis opens and shuts the door behind him. "You wanted to see me sir?" Do we all walk through that door saying the same thing? I wonder if the Admiral ever gets tired of hearing that.  
  
"Have a seat Commander, do you have any idea of where Commander Rabb might be?"  
  
Sturgis just frowns at the Admiral like he can't understand the question. "I've been interviewing another witness for my case all morning. He's not here?"  
  
"Why is it everyone's answering my questions with questions? No he isn't. Did he call you at all last night Commander?"  
  
"I wouldn't know sir, I wasn't at home last night. I can check my messages for you sir."  
  
The Admiral waves off Sturgis' gesture to use his phone, "Use Tiner's this thing's going to hell".  
  
Sturgis turns and heads out of the office leaving the door open so we can see him at Tiner's desk. Sturgis punches a few numbers, then a few more, then we wait. After what seems like an eternity, he comes back in. "He called me yesterday around 0930. He said he was going to see his Grandmother for a while. He also mentioned that he'd be back by 1900 today." I can feel myself releasing the breath I'd been holding. This gives me an easy explanation of why he didn't call me last night. When exactly I stopped breathing in the first place is another matter.  
  
"Damn it, I ordered him in for today. He should have gotten that message before he left."  
  
"Unless he didn't check his messages sir." Good ole' Sturgis, right there with an explanation to save Harm's hide from being tanned. "I dropped him off around 1930 and he was pretty tired. I didn't even know he was supposed to come in today until yesterday..."  
  
"And yesterday was already too late." The Admiral finishes for him. "Very well, dismissed."  
  
Hold on, does this mean lunch isn't going to happen? Thankfully, Sturgis is already voicing that thought, "Sir about lunch?"  
  
The Admiral's face does this funny little twitch, like he extraordinarily amused by something. "Oh, it's still on. Rabb or not." Thank God, I'm starving already and its only 1040. "I always knew this day would come, it was just a question of when."  
  
Sturgis cocks his head at the Admiral, "When what would happen sir?"  
  
The Admiral's smirk becomes a wide smile; "The day Commander Rabb would actually be late for his own party". Oh that's it, all three of us are laughing now. "I think now it's just a question of his wedding day." That's funny, but I don't laugh. Despite what I said, I can see Harm with a wife, but only if it's me. Anything else and I don't like the image that comes to mind. If he were late for our wedding, I'd have to kill him, and then get Sturgis to defend me. Only in the last nine months have I've starting thinking about what our wedding would be like again. The last time I did, it was after my engagement party. Damn flyboy kisses better than any man should be allowed to. Before that, it was everyday between the whole Sudanese embassy fiasco and the day he unknowingly broke my heart for a Tomcat. I like thinking about it again; when you're living like a nun, you need something to fill the hours. I didn't get to think about what my wedding day would be like as a little girl. I was too busy avoiding Dad's wrath to get wrapped up into the fantasy of what was supposed to be my perfect day. I was too drunk when I married Chris to even realize what I was missing out on. I didn't even get to the day with Mic, but it hardly would have been perfect. From the size of the wedding, to its location, and everything in between, Mic practically got his way about everything. Now if we can only get our dense flyboy to play ball. "Alright then, inform the staff that nothing's changed regardless of Rabb's absence and then get back to work. Dismissed."  
  
Our 'Aye, aye sir's' haven't even faded from the office before we're out the door and past Tiner. So... Sturgis was baking with Bobbi Latham last night and never made it home. This is going to be sweet. "So what happened last night?" When Sturgis stops and catches the smile on my face, his first reaction is to roll his eyes.  
  
"We were baking cakes, you know that."  
  
"All night long huh?"  
  
"Didn't get there until late." That's a pathetic attempt at an excuse; it doesn't take that long to make a cake.  
  
"Cakes don't take all night, even this mysterious cake of yours." Sturgis heads off for his office again. Oh no, he's not going to get away that easily. I told him about Harm, he can tell me about Bobbi. "Well at least tell me you kissed her." Sturgis now safely in his office spins on his heel to face me; he's smiling like the cat that ate the canary.  
  
"Of course I kissed her."  
  
"Well good. I'd hate to think to spent all that time together and didn't." Sturgis has this truly evil grin on his face. Whatever's coming its not going to be good.  
  
"Your one to talk considering your 'sharing body heat' experiment in Afghanistan with Harm." How in the... oh Harm! Forget missing the wedding, I'm going to kill him the second after I welcome him back. I wonder what else he told Sturgis. Fine, he wants to get dirty? I'm a Marine, we live to play dirty.  
  
"Well if Harm told you everything, he mentioned something about a couple of Hornets on a bombing run."  
  
"He did."  
  
"Well then how can you compare the two?"  
  
"Oh I'm talking about after. The little cave the two of you snuggled together in." That cave was shallow, narrow, dirty, cold and dark. I had a pounding headache from the bomb strike and was bleeding from a half dozen cuts. Hardly a warm, cozy house with the smell of cakes baking in the air.  
  
"You mean the dirt hole we tried to nap in for three hours before the sun came up and we had get moving again?" Before the bombing, I was happy. Sure, Harm surprised the hell out of me when he wanted to 'conserve body heat' with me. A likely story; sure we would have been cold, but that's why they field-test those BDU's. We would've been fine sleeping apart. At least I made him work for it. Figures, we get that close and I only get a minute of bliss in his arms before the damn planes show up. Why is it always planes that are pulling us apart? "Little in the way of opportunity, compared to you and Bobbi and the big, comfy bed you had at your disposal." Now he's squirming. Give it up Sturgis your six is mine.  
  
"I haven't slept with her." Now he's going to get it.  
  
Leaning against the doorframe, I give him my best singsong voice. "Is that the problem?"  
  
Sturgis knows exactly what conversation I'm referring to. He's got this cute little frown on his face. "Okay, I haven't slept with her yet. There is no problem with my girlfriend; we're just taking it slow. Maybe the two of you should try taking it at all." Checkmate, and he knows it. His smug expression says so. Okay, so he's won this round.  
  
"You'd like that wouldn't you?"  
  
"To see the two of you happy together, I would hope any friend would be." Wow, Bobbi's a lucky woman; I hope she knows it too. Sturgis is a good man and... "Besides, then this office wouldn't resemble an awkward Jr. High School dance so much." Sturgis has me out the door and shuts it on me before I can think to retaliate. That damn bubblehead! I can see him laughing on the other side of the glass. A check of the doorknob confirms that he's locked the door. Sturgis isn't stupid, he knows better than to mess with pissed off Marine. Just like Harm would do, say something nice then blindside em' with the playful insult. Maybe they're more alike than I realized.  
  
God this is good. Okay, Sturgis is forgiven all thanks to this cake of his. There's no chocolate in it, but it's really sweet. There's coconut and lots brown sugar and butter forming this thick glaze over the top of this, like, angel food cake underneath. At least that's what I think it is. Sturgis apparently thinks its safe to approach me since I'm working on my third piece of his cake. "Do you like it?"  
  
"Are you kidding? This is really good Sturgis. Remind me to thank Martha Stewart when I see her."  
  
At the nickname Sturgis laughs. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. I tried it once and she said that if I called her that again, she'd take my submariner's pin and shove it up my six. I believe the second part of the threat involved a permanent reassignment to Greenland so the pin would remain frozen in place." I'm shaking so hard with contained laughter that my cake's in danger of falling to the ground. Oh, I'm getting too full to be laughing this hard. Full and tired, I'd love to lie down and take a nap. Setting the plate down I manage to get a hold of myself after a moment before I finish off the last piece. Sturgis wanders off to talk to one of the administration officers as I spot Harriet in a corner by herself picking at the potato salad next to the half eaten hotdog on her plate.  
  
"Hi Harriet."  
  
Harriet looks up at me with this lost expression on her face like she's not sure how I got there. "Oh, hello ma'am. Was there something I could do for you?" Things must have gotten worse at home, but I'm still not ready to go over there just yet.  
  
"No, no Harriet. I just wanted to say hi." Harriet gives me a rather forced smile and a nod. Somehow, I think Harm would have gotten the genuine article. Now the silence between us is growing. I'd like to say something, but what would I say; 'How's Bud doing', I guess I could ask about A.J, after all I am his godmother right? Luckily, I don't have to as the Admiral gets everyone's attention. "Okay people listen up. First of all, thank you to everyone who brought in something for this. Secondly, because there will be some of you missing tomorrow due to various reasons we will have an informal celebration at Benzinger's next Monday. Now, Commander Rabb still isn't aware he's going to receive the Navy Cross and I'd like to keep it that way until then. Very well then, as you were." Harriet's gone before I can even turn around to face her. She's parked herself at her desk and looks too tired for me to bother her with more mundane questions about her life. The thought of another piece of cake comes to mind, but I quickly banish it. More cake and ice cream is the last thing I need right now.  
  
2332 ZULU  
COLONEL MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN VIRGINIA  
  
"You were right, this was fun." Chloe called right after I finished washing the dishes from dinner. I'm currently sitting on my couch and I'm just about finished painting my toes over the phone with Chloe.  
  
"Told ya, so when am I going to get see you again?"  
  
"When do you ever have free time?" Chloe's just started the school year, she's on the volleyball team and I'm sure her boyfriend gets whatever remaining time her homework and other social demands leave behind.  
  
"Well I could say the same thing about you. Come on Mac, your a Colonel, can't you just order some people around so you can come up here on a Friday and visit me?"  
  
Nice thought, but its not gonna happen. "Not if I still want to be one on Monday."  
  
Chloe just grumbles in response before being interrupted by call on the other line. "Mac can you hold on for a sec?"  
  
"Sure". I'm betting this ends our conversation. A few seconds later, Chloe comes back on the phone.  
  
"Mac, it's Vanessa on the other line..." Ah yes, social duty calls.  
  
"Chloe why don't you take it. I've got a pile of work to do here."  
  
"Okay, I promise I'll call again soon. Tell Harm I said hi."  
  
"I will Chloe, I love you."  
  
"I love you too Mac. Bye."  
  
"Bye." Now with my toes stuffed with cotton balls in between them, I've got a problem. Do I do my work here on the couch where the comfort of the couch and the T.V will provide adequate distractions or do I walk on my heels over to my desk and make another attempt to figure out this damn budget submission?  
  
I made it to my desk, but my newest case won out over the budget mess. The Admiral gave it to me after the party at lunch. I must be more approachable after I've eaten a great deal or at the end of the day, because that's when things like this are dumped in my lap. Most of the little league cases and the budget submission have been given to me like that. Corporal Gregory Barnes is charged with Unauthorized Absence when he never showed up at his post on time at the Norfolk Navy Yard. Turns out he was at the hospital with his very pregnant wife. What they thought was labor turned out to be a series of very convincing Bracksen-Hickks contractions. She's already a week past her due date. If this makes it to trial, I'll simply kill the prosecution. I have no idea why these charges were filed in the first place. Give him a reprimand and move on. He's not part some infantry unit in Afghanistan, manning a post at Guantanamo, or guarding some Embassy wall. We'll play let's make a deal and I'll get him off with his reprimand. No jury in the world is going to convict a Marine whose primary job is logistics of being UA when he was attending to his pregnant wife. This is going to boil down to one day of actual negotiations between the lawyers and three days worth of paper work. I'll talk to his CO next week, although I'm already betting he's a hard ass for insisting on pushing this to an article 31 hearing. At least my defense angle is something I can wrap up in one night unlike the monster that is JAG's budget. Oh, I shouldn't have eaten all that fudge I feel so bloated. Sturgis' cakes as well as the chocolate covered peanut butter bars Harriet brought in got all the accolades and my fudge was picked at by those unfortunate enough to get to the party late. Five pieces later and I'm regretting the refrigerator raid I made half an hour ago. When I finally put the remaining fudge away, I noticed Jingo sleeping peacefully in the corner on his favorite rug. I tried getting him to sleep on one of those huge dog beds that they fill with cedar chips, but he couldn't get used to it and I ended up donating it to Good Will. He loves his rug too much. It used to be in the bathroom, but after he found it, he kept dragging it out into the kitchen to sleep on or he would sleep in the bathroom. Damn near killed myself one night; tripped over Jingo and nearly bashed my head against the toilet. Eventually I moved the rug out into the kitchen and bought myself a new one. Jingo took this to mean he now had his choice of beds. I wasn't about to fight over another rug so I simply made the bathroom off limits to him. He got the picture. I better too, its 0022, and if I want to run tomorrow I better hit the sack now.  
  
1348 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
The knocking on my office door reveals a female Petty Officer I'm not familiar with. "Enter."  
  
"Good morning ma'am. Captain Sebring asked me to give these to you." Ah, she must be his new clerk of court. This should be the verification of the Travis case being placed on the docket.  
  
"Thank you Petty Officer, dismissed."  
  
"Aye-aye ma'am." Well now, let's see... yeah, here it is; next week Wednesday, 1320 hours, Article 31 hearing into Colonel Travis case. There's also the standard memo that Captain Sebring wants to see Mattoni and me today at 0910 sharp. Crap, that gives me about 15 minutes to get going. He always does this. Any time he presides over a big case or a potential media nightmare he likes to meet the lawyers ahead of time. It's always about the same old thing; he doesn't want the media involved if at all possible. He's always been like this, but even more so after his own trial. Walking through the bullpen, I can see through Harm's office window that the stack of files on his desk continues to grow. I saw Tiner add what had to be three dozen files on top of the pile yesterday. For some weird reason they're all being sent to Singer through some processing error. The stream of files was really pissing her off although it's got to be coming to an end sometime soon. Harm's gonna to go insane with all the paper work when he gets in. Hmmm... probably not a good idea to drop that budget submission of his lap too, but it would be funny to see his reaction to it.  
  
He's cute when he flustered like that. I can't stop thinking about it. I saw him coming out of the Admiral's office with this big, thick stack of files in his arms. I couldn't help it, but I almost started laughing out loud. Then he puts on this cute little protest of not caring and marched himself right into his office. I finally did start laughing when I reached the safety of my office. Now three hours and fifty-nine minutes later I can see him rolling his head around from the bullpen. I've decided to rescue him with lunch. Just as I reach the door however, I see him reach down into something and pull out this huge cookie! Harm eating junk food? Just what the hell happened to him on that carrier? A quick knock and a wave and I'm in as fast as possible.  
  
"Is that a cookie?" I've got him on the spot right now; I just want to hear him admit that he's eating junk food.  
  
"What, this?" Oh, he's got this smart-ass smile on his face. He thinks he's so cute... and he's right. "I believe it is, want one?" Oh, you bet; sharing junk food with Harm, this is a first. It's one big, warm, fuzzy feeling all over.  
  
"Thanks." Holy cow, he's got a treasure trove of goodies in here. Brownies, fudge, and two kinds of cookies. These all look home made and I've got try what his fudge tastes like. I grab one of these huge pieces and practically fall back into one of his chairs when I bite down into it. Oh, now this is fudge! This is a crime in progress, I'm sure of it. Surely there's a law against anyone who hates junk food from being able to make it this well. Although I'm sure he knows I like them, I should probably tell him too. "Oh wow, these are fantastic. Don't tell me you made these." Oh please tell me he did, this is something I'm definitely going to want more of.  
  
He just smiles back, "No my Grandma did". Good, a family recipe. Something I can get my hands on later if I play my cards right. Harm doesn't give out family recipes if you get my drift. "Got milk?" He just smiles and takes a drink. I had better keep him in line or else he'll think he can walk all over me with a smile and platter of chocolate goodies.  
  
As soon as his mug hits the desk, I've swiped it out from under him and downed all of the rest of his milk. I can taste the oatmeal raisin cookie in it. "You know I do." His shocked expression is a little irritating, I don't have cooties Harm. He's still not saying anything. Well if he's going to be a statue, I'm going to get one of those brownies. Now he's come back to life, he's playing with me, teasing me with the tin just out of my reach. Fine, but I'm not playing that game.  
  
My exaggerated huff must have worked because his face looks apologetic. "Oh calm down, these are all for you anyway." I was about to retort about his assertion that I was anything but being calm when the full message comes across.  
  
"Really they're for me?" I'll shelve the question of whose idea that was. Harm hands me the tin lid and there's a note for me on it in this wonderful, flowery handwriting. 'To Sarah MacKenzie, I hope you like these. Harmon said you would. Don't let him eat any of them; he has plenty of his own. And make sure he shares his with you too. Sarah Rabb.' So it was an idea from both of them... oh hold on, he's been eating out of my tin! "Hey that means you're eating 'my' cookie." Harm doesn't say anything; he's too busy smiling at me before cramming the last of that cookie in his mouth. It is a gorgeous smile though, easily worth a cookie. "Thanks Harm, you'll tell your Grandma thank you for me won't you?" I'm giving him my best smile in return for the gift and I know he appreciates that. Now about that brownie; oh God this isn't a brownie, this is chocolate cloud with frosting on top.  
  
"I will." Good, now, on to lunch.  
  
"Look before either one of us ruins our appetite I was wondering if you're free for lunch today?" Harm doesn't look at me rather at someone or something outside his door; I'm about to turn around myself when he speaks up.  
  
"I'd love to Mac, but I was kinda hoping to have lunch with Harriet. Rain check? Or how about dinner at my place, we can swap stories about our days as JAGs aboard ships." Dinner... yes, dinner is good, dinner is really good. When I heard 'I'd love to Mac, but...' My first thought was that he had plans with some leggy blond already. Harriet's definitely a blond I can handle him with. The whole thing about our days as JAGs aboard ships should be interesting. Neither one of us really liked the other while they were out there, but Harm doesn't seem to be holding an animosity against me for not staying in touch with him.  
  
"Sure, what time?" Now Harm looks surprised. Maybe he isn't serious; maybe he just wanted to throw that out there to be nice... knock it off, Harm doesn't offer things like that unless he means it.  
  
"2000 sound okay?"  
  
"Sounds great." It is great, this is great. The man I love has just brought me homemade brownies, cookies, fudge, and on top of that is going to cook dinner for me tonight. I'm not even out of Harm's chair before I'm thinking about what I'm going to wear.  
  
"Mac." Harm's voice turns me around to face him as I reach the door. He's holding the tin in his hand out to me. I totally forgot about it in the euphoria of the moment.  
  
"Right, thanks." Well that was a little embarrassing, but I couldn't care right now. Several people are looking at me holding my goodies, well they can't have any. I won't apologize for being greedy or selfish right now either, my flyboy, and his grandma made them for me. Hmmm... mental note, try not to get too mad when, and/or if Harm ever becomes that possessive of me. I seem to do it often enough and if he did the same it would be an absolute miracle.  
  
"Are you sure you don't want me to go in and get him?"  
  
"No, I'll get him. You have to be one of the parents to pick him up without prior notice." Harriet unbuckles her seat belt and hops out before I can persuade her otherwise. I'm sitting here in Harriet's minivan in the parking lot of A.J's day care center. I found Harriet crying in the bathroom around 1540. Bud had called, he'd asked her to buy three bottles of Southern Comfort on her way back, they got into a fight over the phone and whatever he said reduced her to tears. I got the rest of the day off for the two of us from the Admiral. Harriet's been very good at keeping her private and professional life separate and I think the Admiral's always appreciated that. Now I find myself in Harriet's minivan driving the two of them home... how am I going to get home or to Harm's for that matter? When the sliding door opens and A.J comes bounding in all thoughts of transportation are immediately forgotten.  
  
"Hiya." He's a sweet kid; I want one just like him.  
  
"Well hi there A.J, how you doing?"  
  
"I made planes with Billy today." A.J triumphantly holds up a paper airplane made from gray construction paper. The nose has been dented from a number of head on collisions with the wall or a bookcase. Further investigation of the plane reveals the twin tail fins of an F-14 glued on top and the initials USN on the side of the plane. This is all Harm's doing no doubt.  
  
"That's great A.J, but shouldn't this be United States Marine Corps?" I ask fingering the lettering on the side.  
  
A.J's look of contempt is rather funny, "Uh-uh, gotta be Navy. Navy fighter pilot."  
  
"Are you sure?" A.J doesn't answer back, Harriet's already strapping him down into his seat in the back and he's flying his plane as far as his arms will allow. This has to be what Harm was like as a little kid. If we actually go through with this baby deal of ours it's probably what our kid will be like. Any child of Harm's is going to want to fly and that's fine, but A.J's insistence of a Navy fighter pilot instead of a Marine is rather telling of Harm's sphere of influence. If they're going to be born with jet fuel in their veins, there's no reason why they couldn't be Marines instead. Still... I'd probably be happier if they weren't pilots at all. Of course, Harm's going to have the advantage there too. He's a third generation Navy fighter pilot, that's a lot of family history pushing for a career as a Naval Aviator. Let's face it; being a lawyer isn't the first thing people think about when they think about the military.  
  
"Ma'am?" Crap, Harriet's already in the passenger seat and caught me staring at A.J with what I'm sure is a dreamy look on my face. I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I start the minivan.  
  
"So what's the fastest way out of here?"  
  
"Take a left from here and then a right at the first set of lights." Harriet has a soft smile on her face. I bet she's knows what I was thinking about and probably who I'd like to have it with as well.  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"Out like a light." It's only 1810 and for some reason Harriet's crammed all three of us into one their guest bedrooms. Before we got here, we stopped to get some groceries. A.J was running up and down the aisles like a banshee before I ran him down. He burnt himself out and was almost asleep by the time we got to Harriet's. Harriet had me put him down in here while she put away the groceries and for that I was grateful. I'm still smarting from last weekend; I'm not ready to deal with Bud again. "What are we doing in here anyway?"  
  
Harriet looks away from me and over to A.J sleeping on the bed, "Because Harm didn't want me in the same room as him and Bud." Oh that's why, Harm's coming over and she wants to hear what they're going to say. "He'll be here shortly." That's certainly an approach I never considered. I've always had Harriet with me in the room, but I still stand by my theory that only a professional is going to be able to help him and he has to want to get help in the first place. For the next ten minutes, we sit here engaged in meaningless small talk. We could hear Bud in the living room drinking; I was almost out the door to stop him when Harriet tells me to leave him be for now. That's when we heard Harm's corvette pull up. The window in this room offers a view of the driveway and some of the front porch. He's just sitting in the car, thinking about what he's going to say probably. I can see the model F-14 in his hand as he gets out of his car, boy he never lets up does he? For now it's models, in a few years, it'll be radio-controlled planes and by the time he's twelve, he'll have him up in Sarah and right where he wants him. A.J is going to be a pilot unless Harriet does something otherwise. I don't think Bud even cares about what happens to his son any more.  
  
After three rings, we can hear Bud getting up to answer the door. Harriet and I are sitting on a chair and the foot of the bed listening for Bud to let Harm in the house. We can hear the conversation at the door, but it's too quiet to hear anything specific. Eventually it sounds like Harm has managed to talk his way inside. Now the words are clearer, like he's in the living room, but we still only catch parts of sentences. Something about Harriet, where she is, and Harm asking about a case she's helping him out with. That must have been the excuse he used to get in. Bud said something, but Harm dismissed it. Now there's some funny noises I can't quite identify. "Are they drinking together?"  
  
Harriet looks at me and I can see the fear of that possibility in her eyes. Harriet's off the bed and standing by the door now. They're talking again, but even Harriet can't really hear what they're saying. Now the topic is about JAG, it's going to get nasty in a little while; I'll put money on it. 'Oh come off it Commander you know damn well what I'm talking about!' Even though this house is remarkably quiet, that came through loud and clear. Harm said something back, but since he's not yelling, we can't hear it.  
  
'Please, what the hell would you know about something like this? We both know my career's over. So, spare me your song and dance about not giving up. You've never had a hard day in your life! Everything comes so easy for you doesn't it?' Harm's reply is something about Bud not knowing anything about his life, but it's still quiet and controlled so we can't hear it all. That's Harm for you, always in control, story of his life. The next couple of volleys between them are quieter or should I say Bud's are quieter.  
  
'Get out! I don't need your pity...' Well so much for Bud being...  
  
'Shut up Lieutenant! Shut the fuck up!' Well Harm's patience and his control seem to be exhausted too. I don't think I've ever heard him swear like that at someone. 'You think you have so bad don't you? Do you really think you're the first Lieutenant to be injured and put his career in jeopardy? Well get in line because I'm way ahead of you! I spent a month in traction and it took me another to learn how to walk again after I crashed on the Sea Hawk.' That I didn't know, Harm doesn't talk about his crash, not with me, not with anyone. I had no idea his injuries were that extensive, that he was bed ridden like that. He had to learn how to walk again? If it weren't for the six-minute head start he gave me during the Jagathon, he would have beaten me easily. God, I respect him even more now. 'At least when your stupid ass walked out on that mine field you didn't get anyone else killed. My RIO and friend died because of me. Should I keep going? Lets see; Luke died, Jordan died, my dad spent the last 12 to 13 years of his life in hell before he died in Russia, Diane was murdered the night we were going to discuss our future together. I was planning on marrying her Bud! So don't come to me with this pathetic sob story, mine's much better!' I was okay through most of that list, the fact that Jordan's still on his mind bothers me a little. I thought he talked to Renee about it. I can handle his father, his RIO and Luke. But Diane... I knew they were close and I knew he loved her, but I didn't know he was going to marry her. Well that does clears up a few things. Maybe that's why he doesn't commit to anyone especially me. His whole life has taught him that if he gets too close to someone they'll either leave him, or die or both. Jordan did both, so did his father although that certainly couldn't be helped.  
  
'Sarah died you son of a bitch!' I can see Harriet eye's brimming with unshed tears when she turns back towards the bed.  
  
'Yeah she did, but at least you had a wife and son to hold on to. I had nothing. You wanna know the real difference between you and me? It has nothing to do with our abilities as lawyers. Your every bit as good if not better than I was at your age. It's not our past and it's certainly not our ranks. When you open your front door, Harriet and A.J are there waiting for you, loving you. I open my door to a cold and empty apartment.' I can hear the frustration building in Harm's voice. He's frustrated at Bud's stubbornness and maybe at the current state of his own life.  
  
'Well you can have them for all I care.' Now Harriet's beside me, crying on my shoulder as we hold each other. No words could fully express my shock at the moment; he truly doesn't care about them. He doesn't want them in his life. I'm so glad A.J didn't hear that.  
  
'I'm going to pretend you didn't say that or I'd knock you on your ass and then take them. Christ, I'd cut off my own leg to have someone like Harriet and A.J in my life.' This is about as pissed off as I've ever heard Harm, but Harriet manages a small chuckle at his declaration. I wonder if she's ever thought about it since Bud's come home. I'm sure she has, who wouldn't want Harm to come riding in and carry them off. I'd never tell Harm that much of course; I'm a Marine, Harriet's a Naval officer, we're both strong, independent women, we don't need a man to do something like that. We don't need it, but that sure doesn't mean we don't want it. Nuns are strong and independent too, but I'm tired of living like one.  
  
'What, so your blaming that on me? It's not my fault you're a coward, or that you're incapable of committing to a woman. However, you can still have all that. I can't get my career back.' That's true, even if Bud was to make an attempt to stay in the Navy, it would be an uphill climb.  
  
'You know for someone who used to annoy the shit out me with that damn 'Men of Honor' movie, one would think you'd have taken a lesson from it. He needed his leg, but made it without it anyway. You're a lawyer Bud; you don't need that leg to survive at JAG or anywhere else for that matter.' Well put Harm, Bud's a lawyer, not a Marine, an Aviator, a SEAL or a Submariner. Wow that's weird, we have a representative from each of the major branches of Naval service here at JAG. The Admiral counts as two cause he skippered a destroyer. That's as strong of a case for the existence of fate as I've ever heard. All of us ending up here like this. 'Yes it's going to be hard, but nothing worth having is ever easy. After my crash Diane, Keeter and Luke all came up to my grandmother's farm and kicked me in the ass to get me going again. Mac, Sturgis, and I are going to do the same for you. And you're going to stop drinking and get some help or I'm going to hold you down and let Mac beat the hell out of you.' Oh... no, no, no flyboy, no. You were doing fine before, Bud's really going to lash out now.  
  
'That's how it always is, isn't it? You and Mac, Batman and Robin, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Flyboy and Ninja Girl.' Damn it, he got those from me. Just after that cruise missile flew past the Sea Hawk, I remember muttering something like, 'Well done Butch.' Bud asked what that was about and I gave him the run down of our previous nicknames. He thought it was funny, now he's using it as a weapon.  
  
'What's so damn funny?' I can't hear Bud's response. It's like they're both catching their breath before the shouting resumes. There's a few more words said before Bud starts yelling again. A.J's still sound asleep and how that is, is beyond me.  
  
'Your the biggest joke anyone's ever seen.'  
  
'Is that right?'  
  
Yeah, you're the biggest moron out there. Everyone talks about you behind your back. How damn stupid you are when it comes to Mac. Did you know there was an unofficial office pool as to when the two of you would start dating? It was disbanded after you left to go flying again.' Now I can't breathe, come on Sarah you can do it; in, out, in, out. Somebody please tell me that isn't true. "Harriet?"  
  
Harriet's eyes tell me everything I need to know. "I'm sorry ma'am, we just... the two of you were so close..." Harriet releases her hold of me, simply trails off, and leaves it at that. I know we're not as close as we once were, but that doesn't mean I love him any less than I did back then, it just means I'm better at deceiving everyone else including myself.  
  
'Oh look, the great Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. is at a loss for words. This is a first.' Normally the use of 'the great' before his name would stoke his ego is monumental proportions, but here it's more like a slap in the face.  
  
'You don't know the first thing about us.' I don't think we do either Harm.  
  
'Did you get high off the jet fuel fumes on the Sea Hawk? It's so damn obvious you love her, but your too big of a coward to do anything about it. That's why you were mad at me for suggesting Mac see those prisoners during the tribunal isn't it?' Was that what it was all about? It never occurred to me that he was trying to protect me. I just assumed he wanted to get in country and interview the prisoners. He hates to be out of the loop or out of the action for that matter.  
  
'That had nothing to do with it.' I can't even see his face, but I know he's lying. The way he grilled me after I got back is enough to tell me that. I didn't tell him anything about the prison uprising, he didn't need to know. Besides, I don't want him thinking I need a baby sitter following me around all the time. It was a mistake getting that close to the prisoners, I took a lesson from it and moved on, end of story.  
  
'Get out of my house. You can't tell me a damn thing. You're too afraid of the big bad Marine to be of any use to me.' Well Harm can't feel too bad about his effort, its not like all the rest of us haven't tried.  
  
'What do you want from me? Huh? That I love her? Of course I do. I love her more than anything in this world, but I've fucked up so many times with her that nothing is ever going to happen between us. I've blown every chance she's given me.' Breathe, its imperative that you breathe Marine and now. I... he... he loves me, he's in love me, but he's given up... I don't know whether to leap for joy or break down and cry. Harriet apparently thinks I'm going to cry because she's wrapped me up into another hug, which I return in kind. 'Yes I love her; I want with Sarah what you have with Harriet. So maybe I am a coward in that regard, but this coward put himself in danger to save your six and everyone else on the Sea Hawk.'  
  
'Don't think for a second I feel obligated to you. You were doing you job, nothing else. If you hadn't I'd hope the Admiral would court martial your ass.' No, no, no get back to Harm loving me. How can they jump from subject to subject like that? I swear one day I'm going to find that bilge switch of his and break it, or maybe its just men in general. I know this is supposed to be about helping Bud, but... I want this; I want Harm to talk about why he wants me. I want to know why he wants me as much as I want him.  
  
'That's right, you don't owe me anything, but you sure as hell owe Harriet and A.J everything. You think I'm a joke? I'm not the one pushing away a wife who wants to be with her husband or a son who just wants to be by his daddy. I wish to God my dad had just lost a leg. I could've lived with that in a heartbeat. Of course, you might as well be dead to A.J because you're hurting my Godson with your neglect and abandonment. Harriet too.'  
  
'He's my son!" Whoa is he mad. That's how I thought he'd react too. Harm claiming A.J as his own, yeah I think that'd do it. A wife and son is the only thing Bud has that Harm doesn't.  
  
'Then be his father damn it! Don't become your father because that's exactly what you're heading for. That's what you're becoming.'  
  
Harriet's response to that is quite adamant. "Damn right he is. I can't stand the man. I don't understand why Bud and Mikey worship him like they do." I don't have an answer for that, maybe its some kind of genetic thing built into them. Sons will look up to their fathers regardless of how big a bastard he is. I know their dad roughed the two of them up, but they both still love him. I can't tell you how much I hated my father. Seeing him on his deathbed made it a lot harder to be mad at him. Realistically it's probably the only reason I forgave him at the time. He couldn't hurt me anymore, he wasn't a threat anymore so I was safe knowing that I could forgive him and he wasn't going to do something to me to make me regret it.  
  
'I'm not my father!'  
  
'Good, then prove it.' The rest is too soft to understand clearly. I think they're talking about their injuries from the crash and the mine. Something about Bud returning to JAG, and quitting drinking too. You know this was all actually believable until I thought I heard Bud agree to give up drinking. You don't agree to it, you have to want it. I said things like that to Uncle Matt tons of times before and even once after he dragged me up to Red Rock Mesa to dry out. Even he eventually realized it was my choice and that nothing he did would make me give up drinking. It's what AA taught me, I wanted to quit. That's why I was there, not because of Matt or some fear of becoming my father, me, and only me.  
  
"Ma'am I think they're leaving." Harriet's right I can hear both of them moving about the room.  
  
"Let's give them a few minutes before we come out." It's 1856 and I still have no idea how I'm getting home. I have no idea what to do about Harm's confession. Do I confront Harm about this now, later or ever? Backing Harm into a corner isn't the smartest method of attack. I tried that in Australia and it blew up in my face.  
  
"About what Harm said..." Harriet's got this big smile on her face. Oh no, you don't Harriet, you're not gonna spread this around.  
  
"Please keep that to yourself Harriet." Harriet only nods, but if anything, her smile's grown even larger.  
  
"Bud?" After five minutes, we ventured out of the guest bedroom. I can hear Bud moving about the Kitchen, but Harm's nowhere to be seen.  
  
"You still like pineapple and ham on your pizza Harriet?" Bud's half way into the living room before he notices me standing next to Harriet. His eyes are as wide as saucers, I think he realizes what he unknowingly forced Harm to admit in front of me. "Colonel, I didn't see you come in." His surprised, but respectful nod is apparently all I'm going to get from him. I'll take it, anything's better than last time.  
  
"I came in with Harriet."  
  
"I see..." Well now what? There are three adults in here, but I'll bet A.J could figure a way out of this mess before we could.  
  
"Who do you want to order from?" Thank you Harriet, she's leading Bud down the hallway and towards the kitchen discussing the merits of Pizza Hut vs. Dominoes. Now I'm standing here in the foyer; I can see Harm sitting on the front porch staring into space. I have no clue what he's waiting for, for all he knows he's got about an hour to meet me at his place. Maybe he's waiting for Harriet to show up or something and I'm at a loss as to what I should do now. Confront him now and he might retreat into that shell of his, never to come out again. I could let him go, but then I risk the possibility that he'll never tell me how he feels. I'd like to know exactly when my love life such that it is became this complicated. In the end, it all boils down to this; I don't think I can risk letting Harm go and trusting him to find the words on his own. He's given up on the idea that there ever might be an 'us'. If this is my shot at happiness, I'm going to take it, consequences of it be damned.  
  
Opening the door, I can tell Harm knows I'm here, but he's not looking back at me so he still doesn't know its me. "Harriet I'm sorry about all the yelling and what I said. I didn't intend to do that and I know the end doesn't justify the means. I just... I wanted to help, in anyway that I could." Okay what do I say now?  
  
"I wish you could say some of those things to me." Shit, that just slipped out and it lit a fire under Harm's ass cause he just shot up and off the porch in a single burst. His mouth is agape like a fish out of water. Okay this isn't going as planned, of course I didn't have a plan, but I like to think it would've been better than this.  
  
"Mac? How?" Well that's easy enough I guess. How I got here is about as easy as the questions are going to get around here.  
  
"I drove Harriet home early in their minivan and we picked up A.J on the way here." There's a light dawning in his eyes now. He must have seen my car in the JAG parking lot before he left.  
  
"Did Bud know you were here?" Oh please, does he really think Bud intentionally suckered him into that confession of his.  
  
"No. He was surprised to see me here though." Now we're apparently in some sort of staring contest. Part of him probably doesn't believe I'm really here. Come on Harm say something; God, I heard everything! I heard you say you love me. The silence between us is absolutely crushing and I can't take it anymore. "So you're not going to say anything? After everything you told Bud you're just going to..." Damn it Harm! I have no idea where I'm going. I still have the keys to Harriet's minivan in my pocket; I need to get out of here and now. I'll get my car and have one of the Marines drive Harriet's minivan back here. Harm's not trying to stop me, and how I want him to. If you want this at all, you'll stop me from leaving Harm.  
  
"Mac wait." Thank you God! Come on Harm; if you want me, come and get me. I can hear him running up behind me and he's spun me just around before I've reached the minivan. "Damn it Mac, stop. Stop it right now."  
  
"Why should I?" Tell me Harm, tell me you love me.  
  
"Because you're running away again." Why does he insist on making simple things so complicated and since when do I run away?  
  
"I'll thank you not to confuse your method of escape with mine."  
  
"The hell it isn't. You did it on the Guadalcanal and your doing it now." Okay maybe he's right, but that didn't stop me from pushing him away. Bud did things like that too, bringing up all of my mistakes only to throw them in my face.  
  
"I did not." It's not my policy to admit to my own weakness. That's the nature of life in the military for a woman. We have to be better than the men just to get an equal amount of respect. Now he's holding the minivan door shut. Yeah, like that's going to stop me.  
  
"Yes you did. You took off before I could even answer your question and then hid behind Gunny when I caught up to you. You couldn't even give me 15 seconds of your time. But you made it perfectly clear that we were done talking when we needed it the most."  
  
Now I'm mad, I've never hid behind anyone nor will I ever. Exactly what would he have said in those 15 seconds that would have turned the tide anyway? If he couldn't answer right away about Renee, what was 15 more seconds going to matter? "Your a real piece of work Commander Rabb. I'm a Marine; I don't need to hide behind anyone. Now move it." Harm complies, resting his hands on his hips and shaking his head as I open the minivan door.  
  
"Boy and I thought we were building something here." Building towards what? We haven't gotten any closer in the last three months, if fact we've drifted apart.  
  
"Oh that's funny. I might have said the same thing until you gave me the cold shoulder in Italy to go off and get loaded with Sturgis. Of course when Bud got hurt you ran off to the Sea Hawk to avoid it all." I can still remember feeling so lonely. My two friends had just become heroes and suddenly for some reason they didn't have the time of day for me any more. Then Bud's injury allowed the one man I needed for support to run back into the fray, leaving me to deal with it alone.  
  
"Yeah so what if I did? I needed to get away and clear my head. You of all people should know what that's all about." Okay I'll give him that one. My time on the Guadalcanal was definitely therapeutic. I needed to find Sarah MacKenzie again; her wants and needs had become buried and lost. I'm glad I was out there, even if people saw it as running away, but none of that explains why he left.  
  
"Clear your head of what? You came off that ship a hero. What could possibly be weighing on your mind besides the kind of metal they'd be pinning on your chest?"  
  
"You."  
  
"Me?" That's all I can manage right now. Harm's response came immediately and I wasn't ready for it. I thought it would be Bud or the thrill of flying combat missions again, or any one of a million excuses Harm could possibly give for remaining aboard a carrier at war.  
  
"I came down out of that plane and the first thing out of your mouth was how dying in a nuclear blast would have been a great way to go out. Oh yeah, I would've gone out in a big blaze of glory wouldn't I? I couldn't take it anymore Mac. Sturgis doesn't contemplate the ways in which he'd like to die either. That's why we went out alone. Do you long for death? Because let me tell you something. Death can only take you away from me or me away from you. Do you want that? Cause I sure as hell don't, especially after that mine when it almost happened." Now in hindsight, it seems so clear. Bud and I met him on the deck, fighting our way through the cheering crowd to welcome him back. I made that comment and he closed his eyes and shook his head. That's when he started to grow cold. As if he could protect himself by distancing himself from me. I was right, we've gotten close, and he's afraid he's going to lose me. Not to someone else, but to death and here I am talking about dying when that's the preferred method fate chooses to take those he cares about away from him. His jokes about cremation were there to cover up his fear. I know that now.  
  
"Why didn't you just say so in the first place?" That came out stronger than I intended, but I need him to know he can feel free to voice his fears to me. It's one of the building blocks of any relationship; communication. To do so however, would require Harm to give up his precious control over his fear which is something he never reveals and hangs on to with an iron clad fist.  
  
"What are you talking about? I told you in Afghanistan I didn't want to. I thought you knew how I felt about you. Hell, I told you some people were in love with you at your engagement party. Who'd you think I was talking about? Bud? The Admiral?" Of course not... that kiss we shared is all I've ever thought about from that night. How he pulled me to him and deepened the kiss, kissing me like I was the air that sustained him. Only now do I remember the look in his eyes when he said it. His eyes had the look of a wounded man who finally realized that he wanted something he couldn't have. He was in love with me and now I've...we've wasted a year we can't get back. "And even more recently, before the tribunal when have I ever cooked us dinner before? It's always been take out for our working dinners." Now that's not true, Harm's made dinner for me before. However, that one time aside, it's been actual years since we've done so, another lifetime ago. After awhile, I suppose it feels like none of it ever really happened. "And what do you call that night in Afghanistan? Sharing body heat? I cursed everyone of those damn Hornet pilots for ruining one of the best times of my life." I called it wonderful before the bombing. The fact that he loved it as much as I did has a flood of warmth washing over me and spreading to places it probably shouldn't. "You've asked several different questions at times regarding us and here's your answers. Yes, I'm afraid of losing you. I love you Sarah." Oh, thank you God he said it! "So no, we're not going to wait an eternity and yes, I'd have given Renee up for you. I'd give anything up to have you in my life. I've known as much since the day after you've asked me that in Sydney." Oh Jesus, that's why he wanted to go out that night, if I'd known... okay let it go, focus on what he's saying now or you'll miss it and look like a moron in front of the man who's pouring his heart out to you, only to you. Backpedaling and leaning up against the minivan is the only way I can guarantee my legs won't give out. Now he's waving his hand back at Bud and Harriet's house. "You see that house, that family? That's what I want, but none of my dreams of the future mean anything to me if you're not there beside me." He wants with me what Bud has with Harriet. This is the best day of my life, only our eventual wedding day and the birth of our children could even hope to possibly top today. I'm so wrapped up in those possibilities that I barely catch his last few words. "Please say something."  
  
I didn't consciously decide to kiss him; it was more like an involuntary muscle twitch. Well if that's what the body wants I'm certainly not going to rack my brain over why, especially when it wants this too. Harm is so good at... at this, at kissing. I'm just melting now; he could soak me up with a sponge. I can feel his strong arms around me pulling me closer in kiss similar to one I thought I'd never forget, but there won't be any goodbyes today, more like hello. Welcome home Flyboy, I missed you. I swear they must teach them how to kiss in flight school, smile too. No flyboy would be complete without it. It's demanding and insistent at times and the rest of the time its barely there, a butterfly kiss. I can taste the whiskey on his lips too... He was drinking with Bud; I'll have to talk to him about that later. This kiss is wonderful, but there'll be time for more of that later on. I need to tell Harm how I feel. I've realized that Harm displays his feelings through his actions, not his words. He always has and I wish I'd seen it for what it was earlier. Today was different because I forced the issue, but I don't expect him to change the manner in which he shows his affection for me. Then there's myself; I may be a woman in love, but I haven't acted the part or told him for that matter. I think I can hear a soft moan of protest when my lips leave his.  
  
"Thank you Harm. I love you too." From my vantage point on his shoulder, I can only see a part of his wide smile at my declaration. Was he really that worried that I'd say no? Maybe I better lay some other fears of his to rest as well while I'm at it. "I'm so sorry about all that morbid talk. I promise I won't speak of dying ever again." I can see him working that out in his head. I know I told him to never to be sorry, but I think I can afford to be a little weak in front of him once in awhile. Hopefully it'll show him he can be the same with me, but I bet we'll have to work on that before it happens.  
  
"Don't make a promise you can't keep." Stop it! Marines don't giggle, but I can't stop and I now that I think about it I won't. I love this man.  
  
"I haven't yet." I thought he'd like that. That smile of his could light up the entire Eastern seaboard  
  
"Speaking of promises, I promised you dinner tonight didn't I?" Damn right you did, I'm hungry. "Think you could come over right away as soon as we pick up your car? I'm kinda on a roll here and I want to keep talking. There are a lot of things we need to figure out yet. The Admiral and stuff." What happened to him out there? First, he's eating junk food, then he's in love with me, and now he wants to talk? Could life get any better than this? Well there's only one thing to do.  
  
"Kiss me right now." Mmmm... I have a lifetime of this to look forward to. However, if I want dinner any time soon I'm going to have to be the one to end this kiss because he sure as hell isn't going to. "I couldn't believe all this was happening right now. I just had to make sure this was real."  
  
"Don't you normally ask someone to pinch you to do that?" What a smart ass; though in a way its kinda refreshing. I've missed the banter we used to have. In love or not, I still need to keep in him in check.  
  
"Which would you rather do?" There's enough mischief in Harm's eyes to make me think he's actually debating pinching me as well. Well let him try it and see what happens.  
  
"Ah touché."  
  
Harm only gives me enough time to throw Harriet's keys above her visor and shut the door before pulling me into another kiss. Afterwards he takes hold of my hand as we walk to his car. Mic. God what a time to be thinking about him. Mic liked to show off with huge displays of affection, like kissing me quite thoroughly in very public places. He was never satisfied with the simpler things like holding hands. Funny how these little nuances keep popping into my head. I'd never interlace my fingers with Mic either; it was like I needed to be prepared to drop his hand at a moments notice. With Harm on the other hand, it's right where I want to be, where I need to be. United as one... okay, time to back off that thought before it goes any further. As much as I'd love to have my way with Harm across the hood of his car right now, this isn't the time for it. Too many other things need to be sorted out first. We'll see what happens over dinner. I still haven't come up with any good ideas about what I should wear tonight. Okay so JAG, then my place to shower and change, and then Harm's. Harm, ever the gentle man, holds the door open for me as I get in. While he tries not to rush it, his dash around to the driver's side makes me want to yell 'Chinese fire drill'. He's smiling at back at me and since when do I blush? I can feel it coming on, that and the rumble from the Corvette's engine coming to life. I'm not some naive teenager in her boyfriend's new muscle car.  
  
"Are you ready?" Ready to go or ready for the rest of our lives together? Yes to both please.  
  
"Yes I'm ready." Harm just nods his head. Apparently that's all Harm needs... that's all we'll ever need.  
  
The End 


End file.
